Not Necessarily Necessary News Nor Necessarily Newsworthy
Episode 3
Every time you press the “pause” button, another Assassins Creed gets made.
1) In the latest game of musical chairs being played my Microsoft execs, Phil Spencer has emerged as the head of the Xbox division. Yes good old squinty eyes has gotten a promotion over Phil Harrison, who is apparently the Theon Greyjoy of the Xbox division. You should’ve stayed at Playstation Phil. So what does this mean for Spencer? Well, hopefully it means that he is no longer allowed to dress himself for E3.
2) Do you find yourself eating strange things? Things that are not food? Do you find yourself having the urge to climb rock surfaces? Then you, my friend, may be a goat trapped in a man’s body.
Now hold on! Before you rush out for that corrective inter-species surgery, you may want to give goat simulator a try. That’s simulator NOT stimulator. I know, and I share your disappointment.
The game involves a RTS-style battle for territory with sheep while constantly having to avoid the advances of many an amorous farmer.
Also, there is no need to get depressed. You are not alone in your life’s calling to turn the world into poop. A new
multiplayer node is set to be released and…..never mind. Goat ate the code.
3) Microsoft has announced plans to release their new console in China at an unbelievable $300. Already in production, we were the first news outlet to receive one of these bargain consoles. Our suspicion was that kinect had been cut from the console. However, as we opened the box, what we found were just some broken pieces of plastic. I couldn’t believe it! However, just as I was about to go postal on UPS for the damage done, I found this piece of paper with the words “Some Assembly Required” written on it. Anyone know a gay couple with a Chinese kid? Come on, you know you do!
4) In a daring attempt to regain their crown, EA this week decided to mock the new WiiU console and its technical limitations. That’s right Time-Warner, EA is gonna make a comeback. In response, Nintendo were gracious in accepting Peter Moore’s apology, saying that no harm was done. “It could have been worse” they said, “at least they didn’t try to fix our online servers.”
5) Dualshockers did a 1 hour interview with Michael Pachter where he outlined his daily struggles as a post-op transvestite. You don’t believe me? Then you’re going to have to listen to him speak for 1hr to prove me wrong. Heh heh, that’s what I thought.
6) Adam Sessler announced this week that he was now going to leave his video game personality behind. This came after 15 years of failed attempts to leave his actual personality behind. I for one will miss him and his comedic genius. I could never figure out how he named Fable 2 as “game of the year” whilst keeping a straight face.
7) This week, Sony decided to copy Nintendo by announcing a pet simulator for the vita. Microsoft tried to copy Sony strategy of “focusing on games” by laying off game developers and Nintendo is still trying to copy Microsoft in getting an online infrastructure that actually works. Yep, get ready for a generation full of innovation people!
8) 86% of people don’t mind ads in exchange for free games. None of them could be found on the internet.
9) Amy Hennig has now gone to EA to help with Star Wars. She replaces Game of Thrones author George R. R.Martin after the Luke and Leia stuff got wayyyyy out of hand. She took the time at the announcement to elaborate on the events leading up to her Naughty dog departure. Apparently, work on Uncharted 4 is 90% done, meaning that we should expect the first game-delay announcement in 2016. The controversy came about when she began work on The Last of Us 2, but tempers ran high when she spent 3 months on the project without growing any semblance of a beard.
10) Mario Kart 8 is coming up soon, so you know what that means……Yep, a whole mess of articles with bad
puns!
--Can Mario Kart drive the WiiU forward?
--Does the WiiU have any gas left?
--Nintendo hoping to get back on track with Mario Kart 8!
Remember when Journalism wasn’t populated with failed comedians?
11) Amazon is now including Metacritic scores for games on their site. Many users are angry that they have chosen to outsource senseless drivel but fear not! In an effort to put the “Meta” back in metacritic, users are now being encouraged to review these game reviews and have their reviews aggregated by a new site called Alphacritic which will be available exclusively to publishers to determine which sites get early access to games.
They claimed to have gotten the idea while watching “human centipede”.
12) Burial at sea is the final DLC for Bioshock Infinite from the now downsized Irrational Studios. The games are known to be written by Ken Levine whose theme centers around the fact that things go horribly wrong when one man has too much power. I guess life really does imitate art.
13) As the visual gap between PS4 and Xbox One continues to be an issue, Microsoft has once again reminded us of the power of the cloud. I get that clouds are powerful after watching the new Pokemon movie “Noah”, but this cloud stuff just feels like someone trying to blow smoke up my arse.
14) On “The Big Bang Theory” this week, Sheldon tries to pick between the Xbox one and PS4 but gets neither. What’s surprising is that this is pretty much the best decision you can make in a console first year. Who knew tv could actually teach you something useful.
15) Sony recently described their upcoming E3 presentation as a “tight fit” - that’s what he/she said. Ahh, gender equality, what a joke.
