Not Necessarily Necessary News Nor Necessarily Newsworthy
EPISODE 4
In Mario Kart 8, no one can hear you scream, well not online anyway.
1) Ubisoft has confirmed that the definitive version of their upcoming Watchdogs game will be on the Xbox One. They elaborated that these players will have a more immersive experience, considering that the game’s theme centers on paranoia about being monitored
2) As covered in the intro, there is no online chat in Mario Kart 8. But why? We at Necessary News are singularly focused on bringing the truth to you. You should know this by now. So, in pursuit of the truth, we go where every good reporter goes to unearth the mysteries of life. Unfortunately, we had to wait for an hour because apparently, bars don’t open till 11am here.
Anyway, after hours of undercover work (yes those urine stains are intentional and you can’t prove otherwise), we were left with some theories. The first theory was that Nintendo’s online network is just too archaic. How archaic you ask? Well to demonstrate the online network, they recently used Mario vs Donkey Kong, a game from 2004. So they’re basically at the back of the pack with no blue spiny shell.
Another theory was put forth is that Nintendo is following their time-tested philosophy of “Will someone please think of the children!” They don’t want angry 35 year olds swearing at your 5 year old, which currently, are the two major audiences for Nintendo games.
Now that’s all well and good, but let me counter with my own philosophy. “If a noob gets pwned and nobody mocks him, has he really been emasculated?” Can you answer me that Nintendo! Well? “Will somebody please think of the Noobs?!!!”
3) Two parties are fighting over the Duke Nukem franchise. No really, that’s the truth. Google it. What can I say? Sometimes these jokes just write themselves.
4) Microsoft has announced that Kinect is coming to cell phones, but already there are problems. It seems that one person dropped out of the Beta test after getting spammed with laxative ads after trying to make a sex tape.
5) Ubisoft has been getting a lot of grief from gamers over Watchdogs because graphics matter in games. The WiiU is indeed a current gen console, say fans, because graphics don’t matter. Many in the Xbox community claim that Titanfall on the Xbox 360 in not “basically the same thing” as the Xbox One version because graphics matter. The Xbox one is not inferior to the PS4 because graphics don’t matter. Videogame fanboys - causing whiplash since 1985
6) In a classic case of sour grapes, Peter Molyneux recently called Kinect a joke. We all remember his shocking attempt to bring a religious experience to market in the form of “Milo” which he debuted at the launch of the original Kinect. The project ground to a halt when Microsoft, notorious for not allowing third party peripherals, refused to support his fleshlight. They tried to develop their own prototype but those darned micro transactions just kept kicking in at the worst possible time. He was then introduced to Chatroulette and that was the end of that.
7) Palmer Luckey, Occulus Rift founder and “man named after a masturbation joke”, recently said something or the other. Who cares really? I just wanted to make that masturbation joke.
8) Far sight studios were recently critical of the WiiU stating that it was more like Wii 1.5. For those following the Chris Hecker metric system, that would be 3 Gamecubes duct taped together. Can’t we all just agree upon one universal system to mock Nintendo consoles?
9) The latest episode in the Telltale series “Fable” released recently to rave reviews. However, for one man, the series represents ineffable torture. Peter claims that the game had caused him both mental and physical suffering. “I thought for sure that this episode would be the one” he whispered in disbelief “Why are Snow White and Beauty so frigid?”
A bit confused, I asked Peter how the game could possibly cause physical suffering. He showed me and tears flowed from my eyes. So just know that as you enjoy your new episode that one man waits patiently with the worst case of blue balls you ever saw and a bestiality fetish that remains unsatisfied
10) According to producer Sang Youn Lee, Kingdom Under Fire 2 will have better graphics on the PS4 as compared to the PC. This shocked everyone. He went on to talk about an Xbox One version without saying anything about graphics. This shocked no one.
11) In a startling bit of news, it seems that Best Buy this week had used copies of Driveclub even though the title is yet to be released. How could this be? Well, the obvious explanation is that the game will be a complete and utter failure. Sony, not content to simply copy the competition, has chosen to dump their failed game in the past and not in some crummy landfill in New Mexico. Take that Atari.
But wait, if they dump it in the past, wouldn’t it just show up in the future anyway? Here’s the secret to time travel. The less you think about it, the better it works. And Sony mastered that art last gen.
12) From the time I bought my first console, an Atari 2600, I was taught 2 things. The first was that whoever designed that controller was a pervert. The second was that moisture was bad for game consoles. Well ladies and gentlemen; it appears that the latter was a lie. Microsoft spread these lies to distract us from its research into creating sentient clouds that can magically make games better.
The project however, was reluctantly abandoned recently, when it became apparent that the clouds were singularly obsessed with making an HD remake of FF 7. In its place, they now announce that Direct X 12 will double Xbox GPU speeds.
Whatevs, I was more interested in that remake. So I decided to reach out and make some friends on behalf of humanity. I approached one of these beings and let out a “Hey! How’s the weather up there?” However, they never responded and just floated away. What a bunch of jerks. I still can’t shake the feeling that they were trying to tell me something in their own way though.
