Not Necessarily Necessary News Nor Necessarily Newsworthy
EPISODE 5
Shenmue 3 is close to being announced, in some dimension, but definitely not in this one.
2) Infamous Second Son continues to do well on the charts which should come as no surprise. The game gives you powers that include smoke, neon concrete and video. I mean who amongst us has never wanted to build and operate our own strip club?
3) In news that seemingly came out of left field, European footballer Andrea Pirlo recently stated that "After the wheel, the PlayStation is the best invention of all time.” I guess the NFL is wrong, concussions really are serious business. Concerned about job security, Mr. Andrew House (CEO) responded with impressive brand loyalty. He has officially changed his first name to Playstation! When asked for comment, Yoshida dimmed the lights and in a velvety baritone revealed that “A House is not a Home!” Look out for further updates as to whether or not Mr. Playstation House (CEO) will find a home on the PS4.
4) A few weeks ago, an article surfaced about Facebook being interested in bringing porn to the Occulus Rift. Ridiculous, I though, they would never allow that. But apparently, I was wrong. Those clever guys are actually doing it but in a manner that even the richest imagination could not anticipate and have instead gone after the niche markets.
The proof lies in the fact that Sir David Attenborough is set to make a nature documentary that should come as welcome news to all you furry fans out there as well as Peter, who no longer needs “The Wolf Among Us” for “relief”. Now that’s all well and good for Furry and Bestiality fans, but what about the rest of us? Two lions humping? Few want to see that, so it’s educational and free. Two humans humping? Well everyone wants to see that so we must riddle that with shame otherwise we can’t monetize it and use it to control people. I have half a mind to kidnap a priest and jerk off in his face. Whoa! Now hold on, you might think that last comment was inappropriate. Don’t worry, I’m not 12, he won’t enjoy it.
5) Sony’s Shuhei Yoshida has revealed that he was banned from Miiverse a couple of times. Yes, a middle aged man from a very conservative culture is apparently too risqué for Nintendo, which means that without even owning one, I should probably get banned by the end of this sentence.
6) The Mass Effect Series is a Sci-fi, space-themed fictional series made by Bioware. They are teasing that prequels are now being considered for the project because EA is the death star for creativity. Personally, I’m looking forward to the “Martian Seduction” ride that should be at Disneyland in a few years when it gets the Star Wars treatment. Think it was hard to explain those two men kissing to your kids? Well better haul arse to an anatomy class cause shite is about to get real.
I’m just glad the Elcor were never a choice for romance. Could you imagine?
Elcor: Climactic excitement, Oh god, oh god yes. Reminds me of a hipster prostitute I knew. Speaking of prostitutes…..
Nothing pisses me off more than when a hooker appears to enjoy sex. On one hand I feel like I’m being trolled because that dock can hold 3 Normandys easy, so no way I’m making her see stars. On the other hand, if she actually is enjoying it, then I feel like I’m entitled to a partial refund.
7)First there was Goat Simulator, then Bear simulator and now, we have Cat simulator. Just get Sony to make a Tokyo Jungle MMO already.
8) Sucker Punch revealed that Infamous Second Son characters have been noted to have up to 120,000 polygons. Contrast that with Microsoft which owns a single Polygon populated by a few infamous characters (pronounced jur-na-listes) that people want to sucker punch where the sun don’t shine at least 120,000 times.
9) John Rosemond, prominent author, recently compared videogames to slavery and meth addiction, leading to understandable outrage in the media this week. I also must share this sentiment. Is this man really comparing the new Need for Speed movie to 12 Years a Slave and Breaking Bad? No sir, videogames are in no way as valuable to society as meth and slavery and you are the worst kind of fanboy, the type that people take seriously.
10) After less than ideal NPD numbers, Major Nelson was quoted as saying "...this is a marathon not a sprint." Actually, its more like an obstacle course made of RROD consoles. Not familiar with sports terminology? Well, let me translate that for you. Major Nelson - "This a Final Fantasy, Not a Ground Zeroes."
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SPOILERS!! IF YOU ARE NOT CURRENT WITH THE GAME OF THRONES TV SERIES THEN SKIP THE NEXT JOKE
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11) Now that the TV series is back, many Game of Thrones fans may be contemplating a trip to Westeros. Before you do so, here is a travel advisory that you should read from Daenerys Airlines:
a) No internet, but the ravens still work. You are allowed 140 characters but most of them will die.
b) If unfamiliar with a local dialect, just say "Hodor" a lot and things will sort themselves out.
c) Wolves are people too….literally
d) When one sees a lion, one must get into the car (rule 45 is universal)
e) Bitches be crazy (also universal)
f) Do not attend Weddings - Unlike the rest of the world, its not a slow death. open in browser PRO version Are you a developer?
g) If someone mentions “The Wall” that aint no Pink Floyd concert.
h) No sibling rivalry but lots of sibling revelry. Feel free to walk up to a family member, slap them on the ass and say “When in Westeros!” while raising your eyebrows twice.
i)The “Ken Doll” look is apparently all the rage, so Roshambo is not always an adequate defense strategy.
j)Don’t trust redheads
