| Dr.Grass said: * I write to myself often and it's usually private. If you tell me to, "keep this private shit to yourself" or "get a life" or whatever, then politely go fuck yourself. If you're not interested then don't read* I'm going to be honest here about things. Even if it makes me seem full of myself. Even though I'm a genius, gorgeous and athletic, and have a millionaire girlfriend who's 7 years younger than me, I had the worst day today. Actually, I've been hiding it from everyone, but I've had some secret down-in-the-dumps days and weeks go by in the past years. Today I would realize why. A lot of things happened. Firstly, I've been "busy" with my MSc in Physics for a while and was due to hand it in today. I say "busy", because I've taken months (and months) off at a time, browsed the net the whole day at work more often than I can count, and generally left everything for last as per usual. Everything's always worked out for me in the past - even those quantum physics tests I didn't study for. I've always had everything. Life has been super, duper easy. Heck I was sponsored to go to CERN in Switzerland for no reason at all and then flew back to my penthouse at the beach and surfed the whole day while chilling with hotties. The last 3 weeks my professor has shown himself to be totally non-dependable. Not showing up for meetings. Not answering my questions. Not helping. Last weekend we met were meant to meet and then he saw his other students. My guess is it's cause they're black and he considers them charity cases. Then we are supposed to meet and blah blah, "OH I'M GOING TO SPAIN IN 2 DAYS TILL APRIL". Oh no biggie I thought. I can handle it. I learnt speed reading at 12 - I can do anything. So I go about my work, but some details in my thesis bother me. "It's no problem Nic", he tells me. Well, he's a professor so he must know. Perhaps they're as super lenient with M-theses in South Africa as I thought. Today was the deadline, so last night I sit in the lab at 10pm ready to knuckle-down and work all night to get it done. Get an email from my uncle (who's a prof in physics and looked over my thesis) who said that I can't hand it in like that, but it's fine - we can meet the next day and sort it out and the REAL deadline isn't until January anyway. I laughed at my sheer dumb luck and started doing what I usually do to waste time (and I'm guessing you too): Mindless browsing. I started watching some youtube vids till it was 3 in the morning and decided I'd stay awake till meeting my uncle the next day. Then I stumbled onto something... I realized without a shadow of a doubt that I had ADHD. For me, I've always looked down at mental diseases. One can control one's own mind I believed. But I started piecing together my ridiculous underachievement throughout my life. I had so much sporting talent that I was the star in practically any sport I played. I intellectually intimidated the fuck out of anyone I met bar the handful of guys I held in intellectual esteem (guys who say averaged 97% for their entire theoretical physics degree or won international math olympiads etc.). I started reflecting on my behaviour. My listless days spent on the couch. Sometimes 4 days - hardly moving. Hardly smiling. Watching movies, jerking off and smoking pot. Trying to not be like that. Begging anyone up there or out there to help me just do something. Help me do anything. Dishes would pile. Clothes wouldn't get washed. No way in hell I'd do my work. I wouldn't even open my books in weeks and weeks. During those days on the coach, I would think of my father who committed suicide. Sure, he was an alcaholic and (I hear) depressed (never saw the guy in later years), but I'd never do that. Not a chance. But I wondered what he went through. I started flirting with the idea that I might have depression. Did I get it from him? But I couldn't have depression! I was often in the most jovial moods you'd ever see! At parties I could manipulate the social situation at will and have tons of fun. People love being around me and have an awesome time. Sometimes for weeks on end. Can't be depression! One smart friend of mine made an off-hand comment one day that I have bipolar disorder. I considered that a very astute observation since he knew nothing of my "low" days - my couch days. I actually considered it. Perhaps it was true. Much research later I dismissed the idea definitively. Naaaaah, I know what it is: I've just had everything so easy and I've been so lucky that I inherently expect life to hand me it's riches on a platter. I can literally feel that belief system inside me. I just get used to shit fast and get bored. That's all it is. Like how adults are completely bored of children's toys. That's how I was with respect to most things. But no. Not this either. Actually, maybe to some extent. But I've nailed it down for sure now. I know what has caused me to not move from the couch and order pizza and smoke bong after bong and just play games and not care. ADHD. I have a mental disease. I can't organize. I can't get my shit together. I can't be dependable. I can't work. I can't work. I can't work. I can't work because I can't concentrate on shit that's boring. Oh how I can concentrate on something that enlivens me! You wouldn't believe it. You can literally feel the heat emanating from my gaze as I concentrate. Those beautiful moments are rare. I was a little broken at these truths this morning. It was the truth and I knew it. So full of expectance of more easy-living I headed into that meeting. Our physics chair (bossish position) was also there. I got hammered with intelectual insults more than ever before. What is this? Why did you do this? This isn't right! Do you know what you are doing!? So I got teary eyed in front of people for the first time since I can remember. But I admonished myself, "Don't be such a FUCKING PUSSY MAN. Jesus". Did I mention I didn't sleep last night and hadn't had anything to eat and only one cup of coffee since then? And the meetings lasted from 10am till now (3pm). I broke into a sobbing wail when I reached the empty lab. Crying like a baby. I feel pathetic and like a failure. And I'm starting to realize I've always been a failure. I don't know anyone as gifted as me who has achieved so little (not counting the millionaire girlfriend). So there's the story of how I cried today. |
Despite our argument yesterday, (we all have our off days, yesterday was one of mine), I hope you're feeling better having got it all off your chest.
