Relationship Advice?

[czecherychestnut]

Hmm, well as someone about to marry someone who was a 'just a friend' a few years ago, I don't believe there this impenetrable 'friendzone' barrier from which there is no escape. I think people just use the 'friendzone' argument as a soft way of saying 'there isn't any chemistry'.

People often say that their partner is their best friend (and they are usually) but that doesn't mean that the ticket to someone's heart is to be friendly-est friend you can be. In my younger days I tried this many times, failed every time. That sort of deep friendship develops after the relationship started, by the ongoing development of trust and breaking down of barriers between them over time.

Relationships starts because of mutual chemistry, that initial 'I don't know what it is exactly but I just really dig this chick/guy'. And the thing that sucks about chemistry is that there is nothing you can really do to change it, its either there or it isn't. It can't be forced, and the friendzone thing happens because guys/girls bust their gut trying to create some sort of chemistry but when it doesn't work they latch onto a reason that puts the failure down to some 'rule of nature' and not to some fault in themselves or the romantic interest. And its frustrating for an outsider to watch because a lack of chemistry is not a failure of either party, in the same vein that not being 7 foot tall is not your fault either, its just who you are.

Reading your story, it seems to me you feel chemistry with her but she doesn't feel it back. If she did, she'd reciprocate. She might have felt some chemistry for you the first time, but its died out, as chemistry can also do. The first thing to understand is that you've done nothing wrong, so if you're beating yourself up why the relationship has failed and can't be restarted no matter what you do then don't. The second thing to understand is that nothing you do will change this situation. Revenge dating won't work either, going out with someone in the hope that jealousy will bring her back won't work, at best she'll bite but without the chemistry it'll fizzle back out again.

The only thing you can really do is be yourself, for yourself. Someone out there will have chemistry with the real you, trying to change yourself to fit what others want will never work in the long term. Have you heard people say 'when I was looking for someone I could never find them, but the moment I stopped trying I did'? Thats because when they stopped trying they let themselves be themselves again, and that allowed them to find someone who had chemistry for who they were, not who they were trying to be. Stay friends if thats genuinely what you want (and nothing else) but otherwise move on. Don't make a big song and dance over it, just start hanging out less, doing less stuff together, over time you'll notice the chemistry you feel will dwindle, and who knows you might find someone who does feel chemistry with you (in fact I just about guarantee you that one day you will).

I wish I could give you some magic answer that just created chemistry between you guys, maybe someone else has that answer, but from what I've seen with my previous relationships and those of my friends, it ain't be found yet. And no, Roipnol and alcohol aren't the answer either, that kind of chemistry leads straight to jail.