Just a few hours ago, I was walking home when some weird plumbing van slowed down beside me. I tried to look through the windows to make out who was inside, but the windows were tinted with a deep red. I remembered what happened in all the movies and TV shows, so I knew this was a dangerous van. But as soon as I tried to go in a different direction, several guys jumped out and tackled me to the ground.
Three of the guys held me down while another short man in a red cap calmly walked in front of me and sparked a cigarette. Based on his attitude and overall aura, I could tell he was their leader. He took another step towards my terrified body, raised his sunglasses, and said, "We ain't playing no games, Bitch." I recognized his voice immediately. He began to walk back to his van and I said, "I know who you are." He stopped walking, turned his face slightly to the right and said, "Oh do you now?" He chuckled a bit. Then he said, "Fuck 'em up boys." And within a second of him saying that, the three men pulled out several turtle shells and startled waling at me. It was horrible.
They beat me for a least five minutes until their shells started to crack due excessive collision with my skull. After which, they seemed to pull out more shells out of no where. And when those shells cracked, they pulled out more shells. They just kept coming and coming. Where the hell were these shells coming from? I have no idea! And these weren't small shells. These were huge shells, like really really huge shells! Let me paint a picture for how big these shells were. Imagine in Fallout 3, there is an enemy called the Giant Mutant Enemy Turtle. It would probably be the largest enemy in the game. Now, Imagine how large their shells would be. That's how big these shells were! Anyway, they continued to beat me for about twenty-five minutes when I blacked out. Did they continue to beat me even after I blacked out? I don't know...I was blacked out. But considering how evil these people are, I wouldn't be surprised if they did. Also, I felt like I may have been raped.
Anyway, my point is, there is definitely a conspiracy going on here. And I'm certain my attack was operated by the Nintendo fans on this site. I have an idea on who my attackers were, but I won't mention any names in public. I'm going to establish a posse and we're going to track these sons o' bitches down and I'll handle it personally. The Nintendo fans are an extremely violent people. We cannot remain passive. We must fight back! We will fight back! We will not be silenced!
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