| Slimebeast said: I didn't play RE4 for more than two hours because it was so boring. Same with Resis 5, three hours there maybe. Same with Dead Space. Is there something wrong with me? |
[FADE IN on SCENE: hospital room, small and cramped, with a single bed and a lone occupant, the curmudgeonly SLIMEBEAST. The patient is visibly nervous]
SB: Where the Hell is that doctor?
[Enter the doctor: DR. KHUUTRA, all authority and bright smiles barely hiding what may be malice]
DK: Sorry I'm late, Mr. Slimebeast. Are you ready to look at your test results?
SB: Yes! Tell me what's the matter with me!
[DR. KHUUTRA chuckles, patting SLIMEBEAST on the hand]
DK: Now now, Mr. Slimebeast, I'm sure it's nothing to worry about. Why don't you tell me, one more time, just what your symptoms are. [DK flips through the notes on a clipboard as he's talking]
SB: Well, I thought Resident Evil 4 was boring as Hell!
DK: Even the first fight in the village?
SB: Yes! That stupid first fight in the village!
[DK scribbles notes on the clipboard]
SB: I only got a couple of hours in before I stopped. RE5 wasn't much better, but I got about an hour further in!
DK: Why did you get an hour further in to that one?
SB: Because it was in HD!
DK: Are you sure it's not because you can shoot.... black people?
SB: What? No! There are Asian zombies, too.
DK: Mr. Slimebeast, my wife is Taiwanese.
SB: Is she a zombie?
[there is a BEAT of silence]
DK: Let's get back to your symptoms.
SB: Well, I thought Dead Space was boring too!
DK: I meant how much you seem to like shooting minorities.
SB: But I hated Resident Evil 5!
DK: Oh. Right. Okay then, I guess you're not racist...
[more scribbling, and SLIMEBEAST looks nervously out the window]
SB: Are there any other doctors?
DK: No. I am the only doctor.
SB: Oh. Okay. Well, there's nothing else to tell! Those are all of my symptoms! What's the matter with me, doc?
[DR. KHUUTRA sighs audibly as he flips through the report]
DK: Mr. Slimebeast, it seems you have a severe case of the lameness.
SB: What? No! Is it curable?
DK: No, sir. I mean, maybe - if you managed to enjoy Vanquish or the Dead Space 2 demo - but in 99% of all cases, the lameness is terminal.
[another BEAT of silence]
SB: Your bedside manner is really deplorable.
[DR. KHUUTRA smiles knowingly and nods in agreement]
[IRIS OUT on DK's face]
