Hey guys, your favorite "hard" game is for slack-jawed garter-wearing mama's boys who couldn't fight their ways out of a damn paper bag! Yeah that's right, I'm talking to you, Mr. "Oh man, Chaos Mode in God of War III is so tough!" or Ms. "Playing as a Vanguard on Insanity in Mass Effect 2 is an appropriate level of challenge for the class!" Put that shit away! This topic is for real gamers who play real games that kick them square in the reproductive bits.
Vanquish is that game.
CONSOLE SHOOTER FANS! Tired of PC players always lording over you the fact that console shooters require auto-aim in order to function properly? Not this one, you sons of bitches! Whoever made Vanquish can't even spell "assisted aiming", except that one guy responsible for programming Casual Auto, which is for SNIFFLING BABY GEESE-MICE.
PC SHOOTER FANS! What did I just say? There's no targeting assist in this game! Do you know why? It doesn't need it. Controls here are absolutely perfectly suited to the third person shooters, and this is the most responsive shooter that consoles have ever produced. Get out of your chair! Get on the couch! Play this son of a bitch and gain some ephemeral modicum of respect for the potential of shooters in the console space.
"Oh but Khuutra why does it matter if it controls well? I'm satisfied with the action games I already play!"
Shut up! Real action game fans are all about skill, and kicking things in th face when nobody else would be able to do it! About slamming themselves up against challenges that they can barely surpass after many concentrated hours of effort!
Jesus Christ just keep shooting it!
Vanquish is full of shit like that! It has the highest possible number of "holy shit" scenarios per minute! It's science. Every single sequence in this game is new and exciting. Even the pseudo-stealth section has you sniping things as fast as you can, always on the edge of being shot with GIANT MISSILES. Just talking about it makes me want to chug an entire beer keg and crush it against my skull! YEEEEAH
Some people play this game like a cover shooter, but those people are stupid. If you're not flying across the battlefield at mach eight, shooting enemies as you fly by them faster than their targeting computers can track you before kicking a giant robot right in his giant titanium shins, you're doing it wrong! If you spend more than 2% of your time in cover (and the game keeps track of this) then you're a helpless baby who needs to play the game better!
You know what else? This game is made by Shinji Mikami! Yeah, remember him? You better! He's responsible for Resident Evil, Resident Evil 4, God Hand, P.N.03, and a bunch of shit I can't remember because they aren't Vanquish! This guy eats kung fu movies and craps plastic explosives! If you're an action fan and you don't like his games then you don't exist.
And you know what? That's the perfect way to refer to this game.
This game is God Hand! With guns! It also has fists. Fists that EXPLODE.
WAA-TAAA
And that's not the most important part. The most important part is that Vanquish is completely insane. Now I don't mean it's insane in that it's a high-paced action game whose frenetic combat is unmatched in its own genre, built on setpieces which are lashed together with the best shooter gameplay in the business and full of such explosive action (all of which you do yourself) that my wife watched me play the game for ten minutes and had to stop because she was fatigued!
Wait actually yeah I do mean all of that. But I also mean this game is hard. This game will punch you in the face.
Vanquish has five difficulty settings:
Casual Auto: This setting is for stupid babies.
Casual: This setting is for regular babies.
Normal: This setting is for babies who can already grow mustaches (even the girls).
Hard: This setting is for robot babies.
God Hard: This setting has never been completed by babies.
In that spectrum you can find a setting that fits you. Casual Auto can be completed by almost anyone! Normal is a brisk and challenging experience in line with "hard" on most action games, and Hard is where things get absolutely bananas. God Hard? I'll tell you about God Hard in a minute.
These bad guys hate babies.
Remember the Konami code? It would give you thirty lives! Yeah, Vanquish has a Konami code too, and it will fucking kill you!
To use the super ultra Vanquish code, go to the title screen and rotate the right analog stick clockwise 20 times! If you hear a special sound, you just unlocked God Hard mode without having to beat the game. Lucky you.
How hard is God Hard? I'm glad you asked.
It makes Non-Stop Infinite Climax look like a joke.
Titan Mode is a walk in the park in comparison.
Master Ninja Mode doesn't even begin to compare.
Dante Must Die would kill itself if it played God Hard.
XXX Adult Mode in Viewtiful Joe suddenly looks like Softcore Adult Mode!
You'd be better off trying to get all the Platinum Medals in Blast Corps. Yeah. I went there.
God Hard is the ball-bustingest, face-slappingest challenge you can get in a game this generation. And what's more, it's completely fair, and if you die it's your own damn fault so try again you crying milksop.
Oh yeah, and Vanquish has a challenge mode. How many challenges does it have? Six. This isn't much compared to Ninja Gaiden Black's FIFTY, but it will easily last you just as long.
You want to prove how tough a gamer you are? Beat Challenge 6. I've been trying for two days after taking a break of weeks, and I can't do it yet. Can you?
Seriously though, guys, let's talk about Vanquish. We can swap strategies and stuff.
Essay Pro