Powers and abilities of the Buddha Maitreya

[WessleWoggle]

I as the Buddha Maitreya have many powers. Here are just a few of them:

I can live without food, sleep, or water

I can let bullets pass through my body with no damage

I have infinite raspberries in my magic sack

I can pass solid objects though my body

I can light cigarettes with my fingers

I can see through any type of presciption glasses

I can completely straighten paper that has been crumpled 

I can make water into vodka, wine, and gin.

I am stab proof

I can heal the blind

I can simulate nirvana just by touching someone

I can change the color of my eyes and hair

I can compress space and fit large things into very small spaces

I can absorb food through my skin

I can turn my penis into a vagina

I can mentally talk to plants and animals