Reviewing the worst things ever - part 2

[LordTheNightKnight]

After the Falcon takes off, the bad guys are still chasing them, and Han gets ready to outrun them with the hyperdrive. Luke complains it's taking too long, and Han say's "Travelling through hyperspace aint' like dusting crops, boy." Now any attempt at drama is lost here. Okay, it's accidental, since this movie came out years before this joke, but now all I can think of is Luke responding with "I am a MAN!" *punch*.

Later on, Ben sits down for some reason and says "As if millions of voices cried out in terror, and were suddently silenced." I'd joke he's referring to the people who saw this movie, but I doubt that many did.

Oh, and they were supposed to go to some planet called Aler... something. But they end up in an asteroid field. That Han is some great pilot, right?

Then they find themselves at one of the bad guys' other ships. This time a giant circle. See what I meant about more geometric shapes? They get pulled in by a tractor beam, which again we don't see. Roger Corman wouldn't be this cheap... okay, he would, but that's not the point.

So they do the old "beat up henchmen and steal their uniforms" trick (which was practically cliche when The Wizard of Oz did it), and then go to disable the tractor beam.

But what a lucky coincidence, the princess is there as well. So they go to rescue her, get caught in a firefight, they jump down a hole to escape, and in the room they land in, Luke... gets assaulted by a tentacle monster.

I'm not fucking kidding. This film has just turned into hentai anime, except it's going after the wrong gender. Or perhaps it's a girl tentable monster. Thankfully that scene is over with, and we get into another firefight.

Oh, and when Ben says blasters were clumsy and random, he meant it. Both the good guys and the bad buys have horrible aim. Only about one in every ten shots seem to hit something. Heck, if you freeze frame some parts, you can see they try to make it look like the blasters are firing by making the set flash pink. And then the actors sometimes cloes their eyes when firing. How the heck do you expect to hit something doing that.

While most of the good guys are trying to get back to their shi, Ben confronts Dr. Doom, I mean Darth Vader (raise your hand if you managed to avoid snickering when you read that). Now the two go on about their past, and I'm trying to figure out what the hell is going on. Couldn't they at least give us a flashback or something? Anyway, the fight is so... it's not a fight at all. They wave their silly little laser swords around, with only one attempt at a swing every thirty seconds, while Ben goes on about "Justice will prevail," and crap like that.

And then Luke and the princess have to swing across a broken bridge. Yep, this film stopped being sci-fi, and turned into a Tarzan film. If someone could find a good clip of that scene, I would love to have that to "Tarzan Boy" on youtube. It would be so damn funny.

Finally, they escape, but Ben dies, because he put his sword in the wrong parry position. Just look. Vader swings from the side, and Ben holds his sword straight ahead of him and straight up. He couldn't block shit doing that.

Well Luke is upset, for about ten second. Han helps his get better by shooting some bad guy ships, that have wings that look like hexagons. Okay, what was the directors problem? Why are basic polygonal shapes portrayed as evil here? And why does this space battle look so much like a WWII dogfight? Why didn't they just use the actual footage from those if they were going to be that unoriginal?

They escape again, and land on sme planet with a bunch of soldiers. I don't know why, but it's the last act, so just roll with it. They decide to blow up that giant circle, for some reason, and the last part of the movie is this attack.

Oh, and remember how The Turkish Star Wars ripped off space battle footage from the actual Star Wars? So does this one. Just they apparently got some better footage, since it looks a lot cleaner.

And the fight is just as random as you'd expect with actors reacting to stock footage. And there's our third non-existant effect when the ghost voice of Ben tells Luke to use the "force" to improve his aim to blow up the giant circle. Again, we dont see anything other than him just getting the shot in. Didn't the special effects crew have at least a spare bag of glitter they could have thrown on Luke's hand to show he was using magic there?

Whatever, the movie almost over. The heroe's are celebrating destroying the evil giant circle, and the last scene rips off the Olympic medal ceremony. I'm surprised no flags and anthems were used.

So this movie is stupid, but it's an enjoyable stupid. Unfortunately, I don't think my next review will be.