trangentspree said:
Hi guys,
I'd just like to let you all know that recently a couple friends of mine and myself have decided to put together a new Nintendo-orientated website, to support the current Wii and DS systems, provide useful and up-to-date news and reviews for things coming up, and a range of editorials that will be Nintendo-centric and hopefully put across the benefits and achievements of both consoles. We're calling ourselves IGM.
So without further ado, may we present our very first 'Roundtable' editorial to you -
'Why the Wii blows hard like toilet chunks, Ninty and its fans are idiots, and a million and one reasons to talk about the HD Twins instead.'
IGM Staff
December 17 2009 - The Wii has been notoriously popular for Nintendo and their so-called 'Blue Ocean Strategy' has paid off monumentally for the company that was once beset with worries during the Gamecube era. But is that something to get positive about? Well, we don't think so. And neither should you. Because, as many reputable internet savy qualified forum alumni will tell you, it's nothing but babies and grannies. That's right. Not one of you out there could be considered among the distinguished ranks of 'hardcore' gamers. Not one. Well maybe one, but that would be at a bit of stretch, and we're only going to allow you the one. No more.
Hey, some gramps and housewives play the Wii as well. Don't try to just deny half the system demographics.
In fact, there's been a mass exodus from the Nintendo console to the prestigious domains of splendourous Elysian Fields that is HD reality, and it's of biblical proportions. Literally, even Moses thinks the Wii is lame right now. And who can blame him?
The Wii is by a Japanese company. Duh. All the Shinto dieties have given praise for the system.
Don't worry. We've done the research, we've correlated the trends, we've factored together all the variables, we've asked everyone, we've even displayed the results on real neat looking little bar and pie charts just for our own amusement. We're not going to be showing you any of this, of course. You wouldn't understand. You're delusional.
You could at least make them up or spin the numbers. Give some effort here.
So get a grip. Wise up. And read on.
Bryan Cleverbot
Look, we're not hating on the Wii here. The Wii here is hating on us. You know, it's our job to decide what constitutes a Hardcore Game, like a sort of Chief Rabbi of videogames if you will, and if the game is not begot of blood, guts, titties, HD, swears, and online features, you're not getting into our faith school. The coveted M-rated brand is the barest of requirements we're looking for here - and the results are in. The leper colony of foetal-minded casual gamers are trying to destroy us.
Isn't that a treatable disease now?
Someone stupid said to me the other day, 'Hey Bryan, I wonder if the shovelware output of some of these game developers might have a role to play in all -' Naturally, I didn't even let him finish his sentence. I was already urinating on his face. Which is ironic, considering he was probably a Wii fanboy.
Don't try to pretend you weren't just making German Porn... with a Wii fanboy.
Now the HD systems - the benchmark by which standards we define all other consoles - that is something I can get behind.
Pat Pepperoni
The all important factor here is Peach's skirt.
It's like the paramount piece in the puzzle of Nintendo's treacherous Da Vinci Code-like betrayl to its gamers. The stated 'inability' (I would argue it's more of a contempt towards) providing motion for this sveltly wafting piece of delightful fabric is the cornerstone to how thoroughly inept and lackluster Nintendo is right now. Needless to say, I can barely stand the sight of so-called New Super Mario Bros. Wii because of this wanton princess discrimination.
It's about decency. The Wii's graphics are at the point looking up that skirt is porn. Did you miss all the Brawl protestors from churches?
You might say we have a truly great game here, that the gameplay and design remains peerless since its early NES roots, that the magical innovation of 4-player co-op has been a long time coming and it's finally here and it's fantastic fun - you might say this if you were a total and utter retard and under the Illuminati-like scope of Nintendo Fanboy Delusion.
Hey, it's the free masons and the Vatican that are doing this. What kind of moron would think it's the Illiuminati?
Mark my words, if you accept this level of quality from Nintendo now, they'll be chucking generic Toads at you left-right-and-centre. You'll be drowning in a smorgasboard of veritable Toad chunks. Toads will soon replace everything in Nintendo games that Miyamoto can't be bothered to properly animate. That means no more Epona in Zelda Wii, it will just be one big fat drooling Toad. No assortment of weapons for Samus, because a TX29 Toad Cannon is all that is required.
You think shooting mushroom people out of a gun is a bad thing?
Wii Music - which was the worst game ever to grace any console and has single-handedly undermined everything that Nintendo has achieved with one fell-swoop - will just be a chorus of whistling Toads.
When the End of Days come, it will be ushered in by the Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse And A Toad. That's it.
Now the HD systems - they seem to have in affect a total No-Toad Tolerance Policy - that is something I can get behind.
Sven Bs
Look, no one hates the Wii more than me. After all, that's why you invited me to join.
What I don't understand is the friggin' controller. I mean I just hate pretty much every game because of it. It doesn't even work. I point the damn thing at the TV and with every game I try to play it reads 'batteries low' or some other crap on the screen. I mean, what the hell is this? I didn't pay for this from a game. I don't even know what that means.
All casual games have that message when you use the controller that way. It's about accessability.
It's stupid. You're all stupid. That's all I need to say.
Now the HD systems - well they just look damn pretty. I wish my wife was a HD system LOL
So guys, the prophets have spoken. You can submit your own opinions below if you must. But remember you're idiot scum and like prime-rib for our sophisticated ridicule.
(This isn't mine.
Originally posted here.
A certain well-established gaming website seems to be becoming a very good source for comedy material.)
|
