Lightning_24 on 23 April 2009
@forevercloud may i give you a little constructive criticism?
While your story is very creative, smart, and played out well, there are a few things i think you could do better with. It is your sentence structure, you start many sentences with "subject - verb." Some examples, "she turned, she pondered, she gave, he stopped...." Subject- verb sentences can get tiring and take away from the good story you have. I think if you take the time and change up the sentences you will find you will come up with better ones.
Hope this helps you.
