A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store. The next day he comes in again, again buys condoms, and again walks out laughing. Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back. Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later. "So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist. "Yup." "Where did he go?" "Your house."
A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. Incensed, he drags the man out to the garage and puts his johnson in a vise. He secures it and removes the vise handle, then picks up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screams, "Stop! Stop! You’re not going to…to…cut it off, are you?" The husband shakes his head and hands him the hacksaw. "Nope—you are. I’m just going to set the garage on fire."
A guy goes to his doctor because he’s been having problems remembering things. After a battery of tests the doctor says, "Unfortunately, I have bad news, and I have very bad news." "What’s the very bad news?" the man asks warily. "Well," says the doctor, "our tests show that you have cancer and only have three weeks to live." "Oh, my God!" says the man. "Well, what’s the bad news?" "Our tests indicate that you also have Alzheimer’s disease," says the doc. "Well, I can always look on the bright side," says the man. "At least I don’t have cancer!"
The ambitious coach of a girls’ track team starts giving his squad steroids. Their performance soars, and they go on to win the county and state championships. The day before the nationals, Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler, comes into his office. “Coach,” she says, “I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest.“ “Oh my God!” yells the coach. “Well, how far down does it go?” “Down to my balls,” she replies, “and that’s another thing I wanted to talk to you about…"
Two blondes are working on a house. One of them, who’s nailing down siding, has been reaching into her pouch, pulling out a nail, and either tossing it over her shoulder or nailing it in. The second blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asks, "Hey—how come you’re throwing half the nails over your shoulder?" The first blonde explains, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it’s pointed toward me, I throw it away because it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I nail it in." "You moron!" the second blonde yells. "The nails pointed toward you aren’t defective. They’re for the other side of the house."
Tag: Became a freaking mod and a complete douche, coincidentally, at the same time.
