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Wow, wow, wow. I got used to analog sticks within the first 30 minutes of using them. Hell I got used to the N64 controller in no more than 15 minutes and that had to be the worst controller ever.

My 8 year old can play my 360 just fine and his hands barely fit the controller. Whatever assisted home you live in I would ask one of the nurses to help you out with getting the hang of these "baffling controls".