Help I'm being attacked by malware/spyware/virus/madness.

[The Ghost of RubangB]

Here are my problems:

1) My taskbar tells my time in military time but with no date, as 23:16: VIRUS ALERT!
2) Explorer gives my timestamps for every file and folder, for modified, created, last accessed, as time (in military time) colon date colon VIRUS ALERT!
3) My primary window switches at random every 45 seconds, so while I'm typing suddenly I'll be pausing WinAmp or something.
4) If I hit Ctrl+Alt+Delete, I get a window that says "The Task Manager has been disabled by the system administrator."
5) When I hit the Start button, there is no "All Programs" or "Run" or "Control Panel" or anything other than my shortcuts, my most recently opened programs, and these 2 options: "Set Program Access and Defaults" and "Connect to."
6) If I click "Save As" on anything, absolutely nothing happens.
7) If I go to my ImageShack, and click on "Browse" to select an image to upload, absolutely nothing happens.
8) I get 2 or 3 pop-ups that aren't that bad, and I can actually close them, which is the only improvement after running LavaSoft AdAware, Malware Guard, Process Explorer, and Avast!.