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I rebooted and there's still bullshit everywhere, but not as much. I deleted some startup processes I never heard of, and now I'm gonna set it up to run the really long advanced scan and go to bed. Thanks for the program and the tips. I'll pop back up in this thread tomorrow, either to celebrate or ask for a mercy kill.

Now I can see my browser though.

Looks like this is the problem: MicroAV.

http://www.spywareremove.com/removeMicroAVSecurityCenter.html

I can't find it in my Add/Remove Programs list though. I'll run this advanced scan and do more research tomorrow.