Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Now that Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots is finally out, the Metal Gear fanbase has gone berserk these past couple of weeks discussing the story, the retcons, their Big Boss emblems and all types of assorted nerd rage. I myself, have been a Metal Gear fans since MSX and exploding bosses back in the early 90s. Now, I have been part of these crazy discussion and there has been one fact about the Metal Gear story that nobody wants to accept. It is simply the fact that Solid Snake, has no penis.
Before we begin I would like to state my Metal Gear credentials and they are as follows:
-I've beaten every single Metal Gear game, which means: MG(MSX), MG2:SS(MSX), MG2:SS(NES), MG:GB(Gameboy), MGS(PSX), VR Missions(PSX), MGS:TT(GC), MGS2(PS2), MGS3(PS2), MGS:PO(PSP), MGA(PSP), MGA2(PSP), MGS:GN(PSP), MGS2:GN(PSP) and MGS4(PS3)
-I have never stopped replaying. Ever. I mostly replay MGS2 and MGS1, which were the best in my opinion. I also play MGS:PO while I wait for doctors to diagnose me with new incurable conditions caused by stress.
-I've spent years discussing the real life equivalents to MG, like Dead Cell/Red Cell, Perfect Soldier Project/Hitler Youth, MK ULTRA, Nanomachines/Nanomachines, etc
-I've spent years finding every single homage to films in the game, like Otacon and Snake/HAL and David. This has also given me special power, I am immune to the Liquid Arm plothole since I know it's just an homage to Dr. Strangelove.
-I know the hidden secrets of Metal Gear, like for example, Raiden is actually Link in Metal Gear form and MGS3/MGSPO/Ghost Babel are actually VR missions.
-I beat Psycho Mantis without changing my controls or pluport 2.
-I am pissed that Dr. Madnar is still alive and made Raiden because I fucking saw him die with my own eyes a decade ago. It's fucked up that Snake didn't react to Otacon when he explained this to him. Considering that Snake killed him and had to destroy two Metal Gear made by him.
-When the Metal Gear Database came out, I did not play Metal Gear for three days in order to recover from the trauma.
-I know why Zero chose the phrase La-li-lu-le-lo.
Now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's move in to our main concern and that is the fact that Snake was born without a penis, died a virgin and must be pissed at having the hottest looking females in gaming hit on him nonstop. Here's the list of evidence proving it.
It's fucking said over and over
Solidus (MGS2): The data of life is transferred from parent to child. That's howit works. But we have no heirs, no legacy. Cloned from our father with the ability to reproduce conveniently engineered out. What is our legacy if we cannot pass the torch? Proof of our existence --a mark of some sort. When the torch is passed on from parent to child... It extends beyond DNA, information is imparted as well.
Naomi(MGS4): You are clones created for one purpose - war. And so in order to prevent you from being abused by clients or stolen by the enemy... They shortened your lifespan and removed your ability to reproduce. It was a safety device to ensure that the seed of Big Boss didn't end up in the hands of others. The reason you're aging so rapidly isn't because of disease, or faulty research, or FOXDIE. It's how you were born. It's your natural lifespan.
I know what you're thinking. "Oh, he just said ability to reproduce, he didn't say no penis. He is probably just sterile!" Well I'm sorry to inform you that during the 70s, engineering the ability to reproduce meant fucking eliminating the whole fucking organ, making someone sterile is fucking high tech, even for now. I could settle for no balls but that wouldn't explain some other shit I've seen.
Now pay close attention to how Naomi reacted in this situation.
Naomi: That's why I want to examine your body. You need to know,too. All right, Snake... Undress.
[Snake walks away from Naomi.]
Naomi: Snake, what's gotten into you? Hurry up.
[Snake does as Naomi says and changes into some patient clothes.]
Naomi: Oh my God.... Snake....
[Naomi is in utter shock at how old and decrepit Snake's body has become. She
walks away from him as if she can't bear to look.]
Snake: All right, let's just get this over with.
Naomi: Yes... Of course. I'm sorry.
[Naomi wipes some tears away from her eyes and begins the examination. Various
scenes follow that show Naomi performing numerous medical tests on Snake.] You see what happened in there? At the end of MGS Naomi was offering free strip searches to Snake (literally) and when she finally has him in front of him, naked, she starts crying like a bitch. Keep in ming that Naomi is the biggest whore in the MG universe and there's nothing that makes a whore cry more than having a man show up with no penis in her house.
If Snake had a penis he would have CQC'd her into doggie style the moment he saw her.
Do you remember what the president did as soon as he saw Raiden in MGS2. He fucking grabbed his balls. You know why he did that? Because he was checking if it was Snake. As soon as he felt something, he thought "Well, I guess it's not him, probably some random rookie on a suicide mission" and continued talking about The Patriots.
In the Metal Gear universe every US president is told to always look for Snake's penislessness if they are involved in a nuclear threat by a team of crazy supernatural psychos.
Just fucking LOOK at him
If you don't want to trust the game's script, then you have no choice but to look at the problem with your own eyes. Snake is the only soldier in Metal Gear that doesn't have a crotch on it's character model. Don't believe me? Suit yourself. What follows is an in depth comparison of the different crotches in Metal Gear.
Snake in MGS
I've gotten a lot of bitching regarding Sasaki from softcore Metal Gear fans who think they know what they are talking about. So I know need to post this quote from Liquid so they can shut the fuck up and go back to actually listening to what's fucking said in the games.
Liquid: Thanks to father’s DNA, they were able to identify more than sixty ‘soldier genes’ responsible for everything from strategic thinking... to the proverbial ‘killer instinct’. Those ‘soldier genes’ were transplanted, into the membrane of Next Generation Special Forces. That’s how they became the Genome Soldiers. That’s right... The Genome Soldiers that you’ve been killing are our brothers, with the same genes as ours.
Snake: The Genome Soldiers!?
Liquid: That's right. They are our brothers, created artificially through
the alignment of nucleotides to mimic our father's genes. They too are the product of numerous sacrifices.
Notice how I fucking wrote 'cheap clone' in bold text. Now, back to what I was saying.
When Meryl and Snake got together the whole thing lasted for about a year or less. Snake became an alcoholic and depressed. This only happens if you can't fuck your wife. Think about it, the guy has been living alone with some fucking sled dogs in Alaska for years and when he finally gets a girl he can't even do her because the Patriots were to scared of a couple of baby Snakes.
Solid Snake doesn't have a Solid Snake. Deal with it. Kojima gave him the name so he could at least say it to people.
Now back to Meryl. They broke up after MGS1 and in MGS4 she falls in love with Sasaki. You know, the guy she stripped and left naked in MGS1. The one that you can kill if you want to. The curious part of this is that Sasaki is the only remaining cheap clone of Snake after MGS4. He is part of the Genome Army, looks a lot like Snake/Big Boss and has one thing Snake doesn't have: A penis. That's why Meryl decided to marry him after about 10 sentences of conversation.
The Young Snake Trailer
You remember this trailer. It came out about a year ago I think. Just watch it.
You have to be blind to not see how the Octosuit grew a penis while it held onto the statue's crotch, which then disappeared as soon as he let go. I'm sure it's in HD somewhere, but I can't find it. Look for it yourself and then decide.
It doesn't really get clearer than this. If he already had a penis, the Octosuit would have just changed it's color but since the good ol' Patriots decided it was a good idea to go crazy (fucking Para-Medic) then Snake has to go around grabbing statue's dicks to impress the ladies.
The S3 Program: Turning Raiden into Pen0rless-Snake
When the Patriots AI decided they would manipulate Raiden's circumstances to turn him into Snake, they encountered one problem. Raiden has a cock. So in order to fix this they did a couple of nasty things.
PROTIP: Shake your controller to make her boobs wiggle during CODEC calls.
First they made his wife the most annoying bitch ever. Second, they gave him nightmares and PTSD to keep him from sleeping with her. Third, they gave him an epic mindfuck in MGS2 that made him consider that maybe Rose didn't even exist. Fourth, they turned him into a cyborg with a bionic pen0r that they could control from space and finally, they had Campbell marry his wife. Now every time he considers fucking her, he'll remember that she once slept with Campbell, who might possible be the new Zero equivalent after the old Patriots were killed. That thought alone, those old balls, disgusting, it could ruin anyone's sex life.
Oh, you want an explanation for that kid Rose claims is his....
I don't know about you, but a guy with white blood can't produce a fucking child. Raiden has been an experiment since he was born and his body had been hacked years before the Big Shell incident. I personally believe that the kid is a clone or an insemination. They probably took his sperm while they were changing his blood for white fluid. If you don't know what I'm talking about, listen to MGS2's CODEC calls.
When Otacon said "Snake had a hard life" he wasn't joking.
Snake will die a virgin, after meeting and being hit on by the hottest women in gaming. He had to live alone in Alaska with wolves reminding him of furry porn which he can't even watch because it will just remind him of all the soldiers named after furries that tried to kill him: Ocelot, Gray Fox, Sniper Wolf, Crying Wolf, FOXHOUND, etc.
If Snake had a penis, Kojima would have added a sex scene in MGS1. Big Boss screwed EVA in MGS3 and Otacon got lucky in MGS4.
Face it people Snake failed at his final mission. Getting laid.
Vaio - "Bury me at Milanello" R.I.P AC Milan
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
If laughing is the best medicine and marijuana makes you laugh
Is marijuana the best medicine?
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
“If any creator has not played Mario, then they’re probably not a good creator. That’s something I can say with 100 percent confidence. Mario is, for game creators, the development bible.