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Ka-pi96 said:
So I hung out with her again tonight... because of course I did. I invited her and she came so... yeah.

Even offered to help her find a boyfriend. I've heard rumours that she likes a guy, one of my friends even, so offered to help. I might be shooting myself in the foot there, but I don't care. I'm finally ok with being around her again and I really do like her and want her to be happy, if that isn't with me then so be it. Plus, if she's with another guy that'll hopefully help me get over her.

You poor soul, please just stop. There is almost certainly nothing but heartache and obsession in your future if you continue like this. I get what you're thinking, I've done similar things in the past, I've watched other guys do the same too and it goes nowhere. You tell yourself you just want her to be happy, because you're a nice guy but the problem is that your happiness is linked to her too strongly. Setting her up with a new boyfriend, one of your friends is such a bad idea, you won't be happy, you'll probably just become jealous. What of your friend too, he probably knows how you feel about her and he's just going to be ok with it? And how did she react to you saying you'd get her together with one of your friends? That probably confused her or are you trying to rewind time and make her forget that you confessed you had feelings for her? If she ends up with your friend anyway, that's one thing and you'll probably not enjoy that, but if you set it all up....

Somewhere deep in your mind, a part of you hopes that by being there for her and helping her with everything, she will see more value in you. You probably don't even realise it properly but a small part of you is trying to hold her close, make yourself there for her and then after a few failed relationships, when you've supported her all this time, she'll realise that you are the man she overlooked for so long. You'll probably read too much into signals and continue to imagine something more coming out of what she will see as just friendship with an inexperienced, confused, but basically nice guy. It's probably best to actively try to do stuff that doesn't involve her and also helps you meet new women. You say you can't avoid her but you actually could, you've already gone through the hard part of confessing your feelings, she'll understand if you continue to be honest and say you think you need to spend less time together. Of course you've confused that message now by pretending everything is cool and you're just super ready to help her be as happy as she can be....you can't get over her by being more involved in her life.

I know you work with her but I think you need to make an effort to avoid seeing her too much, in many work situations this is easy enough to do unless your job literally has you two working together all the time. Outside of work, you should probably avoid asking her to hang out and instead try to do something with other friends or something to meet new people entirely. I'm guessing that you don't find it easy to meet women and the reason you've fallen for a girl at work is because you are put into a situation where you're both together and can start talking to each other. You see each other every day so it gives you more of a chance to develop a friendship which has an inflated sense of meaning since it's rare for you. I'm not trying to insult you, it's just the impression I'm getting and once upon a time I was like this and I've seen with others do it too. If this is the kind of situation you are in then I get why it seems easier to just keep pursuing her, if you feel she's a possibility and they don't come easy for you.

But I have to reiterate, she almost certainly doesn't feel anywhere near the same about you and probably never will. It is hard, but I really think you need to make an effort to find somebody else now, rather than burn years of your life in misery before some outside force separates you (i.e. she changes jobs or moves away) and eventually makes you realise how there was nothing really special between you two.

Basically I think you need to cut your losses and move on, you won't grow until you do. This is something so many people have to deal with and although I really think you should, chances are you won't. Most of us don't because we kid ourselves and only realise in hindsight how wrong we were. I guess in that case, my advice would be to remember that we've all been there and don't feel too bad when it's eventually over and she's out of your life. You can always come talk to us anons on the internet.

Last edited by Landale_Star - on 08 June 2019