Sonic the Hedgehog sucks. It sucks beyond imagination. It sucks so fucking much, it would make a black hole explode. Now, you may have played a lot of bad Sonic games, but unless you've actually played this one, you'll never know how bad it really is. Like, it's so bad, if all the bad Sonic games, entered an olympic race, to be the worst Sonic game of all time, this shit-making bee hive, would have finished, forever before it started.
First of all, why are there three, different Sonic games, with the same name? It makes absolutely no sense, what so ever, and defeats the entire concept of having names, to begin with. Have fun, looking up the original Sonic, on the Internet.
Second of all, why did they name this repugnant bugbear, after these two classics? I mean, what a shameful disgrace. Like, what if a Mario game, just as excruciatingly terrible, was released, and they named it Super Mario Bros.? Mario would be fucking pissed. He'd destroy the Mushroom Kingdom. But even worse, he'd remove the letter "M" from his very hat.
Now, remember when Sonic didn't suck? That was a long time ago. Back in the 90's, Sonic was the fucking shit, and everyone loved him. He proudly represented Sega, and will always be remembered as one of the greatest video game characters of all time. Now, almost everyone who has a Genesis, has Sonic the Hedgehog 2, the game, that I think, most resembles a Sonic game. I mean, you don't get any more Sonic than this. This is it. This is Sonic. Remember Tails? He was awesome. Of all the Sonic games, I've only liked Sonic, and Tails, because they were so cool, and they're like Mario, and Luigi. They were awesome, but now, they ride the shit train like everyone else.
Look at Sonic now. He looks like shit. What the hell did they do to him? What happened to this? This was classic. This was an icon.
Listen to Tails now. He sounds worse than Slippy Toad, from Star Fox 64.
There's another hedgehog. Yeah. Shadow. Okay, why does he drive a truck, when he runs much faster? It makes as much sense as Kirby, sucking up enemies with a giant vacuum.
You'd think that two hedgehogs are enough, right? Well, there's another one. Silver. Look at him. He looks like a fucking bird.
Three, giant, butt-ugly hedgehogs. None of them combined, equal the real thing.
Oh no, are you kidding me? A fourth hedgehog?
Okay, how many hedgehogs do we need? Seriously, it's getting ridiculous.
Now, Elise is the absolute, worst video game character of all time.
Fucking bitch. I dare you to watch this. It's like watching a nightmare. This is why nobody likes her. This is why nobody likes Sonic, either. I don't believe this. I mean, come on. What were they thinking?
There's others, like Blaze. Blazing shit. And Rouge. Get off the wall you bat slut. Bottom line, there's too many characters, they're all ugly, nobody likes any of them, and as for their voices.
I'd rather listen to the sounds of a rhinoceros, mating with a constipated rhinoceros, trying to take a shit.
Why does it take so long? Come on, hurry up. It never ends. This is better. This is better. Okay, am I playing a video game, or watching a movie? Now, let me tell you everything you need to know, about the story.
It's a fucking encyclopedia, that makes absolutely no sense. I mean, what's the point, if I end up, skipping through it anyways?
Now, before you can play most of the levels, you need to jump through the corresponding portals, scattered throughout the hub world, and that's exactly what the next problem is. Why do hub worlds need to exist? Who thought they would be a good idea? I mean, are they supposed to be fun? They're extremely annoying, because they constantly interrupt the levels. Nobody wants to revisit the same place, over and over again. It gets very boring after a while. What happened to playing levels, consecutively?
Like, remember when you played the levels of the Genesis classics, one, directly after another? It was non-stop fun back then.
I don't mind the Mario ones, that much. They can be fun to traverse, and they all look nice. Especially the Mushroom Kingdom of Super Mario 64. The first time, running through, was pure Mario magic, and revisiting it, every now and then, will always be nostalgic. But even it, gets boring after a while. They'd all be fine, if you didn't have to revisit them, after every level.
Now, this is the 3D world of Sonic Jam. This feels like a Sonic world, right? Definitely. Everything has a Sonic vibe to it. Everything belongs. The classic, checkered ground, belongs. The Sonic-inspired music, belongs. I don't know what this spinning thing is, but it belongs. Even the clouds, retain a Sonic atmosphere. And look at the way the camera focuses on Sonic, when he jumps on a spring, into the bright, blue sky. That's just grand. The entire world is a nostalgic, magical dream. Now, my only questions is, how the fuck did we go from this,
to this? I can honestly say, that the hub world of this atrocious game, is a pile of fucking shit. Do you feel like you're playing a Sonic game? No. Not even close. Absolutely nothing in this town, is reminiscent of Sonic. It doesn't belong in the Sonic Universe. No. It belongs in the bottom of the ocean. I mean, look how ugly it is. It's a hideous monstrosity. Sonic Adventure looks nicer than this, and how old is that game? Even pong looks nicer than this. The music matches, but that's exactly why it's garbage. Now, think Mario, for a moment. Yeah, it's also a bad rip off of Delfino Plaza, from Super Mario Sunshine. Look, even the portals, preview the levels. The only difference is that Delfino Plaza looks a million times nicer, and can actually be fun to traverse, like I mentioned about all the Mario hub worlds. I mean, this is not only an insult to Sonic, but it's also an insult to Mario, at the exact same time.
You know what? There is not a single reason to continue. I mean, what's the point, when I know that the levels suck anyways, right? It would be like watching long commercials, throughout Super Mario Bros. Actually, no. It would be far worse. At least Super Mario Bros. is mildly entertaining. But I always finish what I've started.
You're always getting lost, having no idea what to do, or where to go. Everything looks exactly the same, and the size of it, never ends, and a squirrel, could give better directions, out of a forrest. Believe me. There is absolutely nothing worse, than being lost in this ocean of living diarrhea. I mean, I'd rather be lost on the moon, without a space suit. I'd rather be lost at the middle of Antarctica, naked, while being chased by a thousand penguins.
The Mario ones, are only boring, after a while. But not this one. No. This one is boring, before you're even in it. It's the biggest waste of time, of all time. This is fun. This is fun. Not this. Towns, and cities, should only be levels, as long as they retain that Sonic atmosphere.
Humans do not belong in a Sonic game. They're more out of place, than the Mona Lisa, hanging on a wall, inside Peach's Castle, at the Mushroom Kingdom, of Super Mario 64. Sonic games, are about running through mystical, dream-like fantasy worlds. Not running through a butt-ugly town, full of butt-ugly humans. But this isn't even a Sonic game, so Sonic is the one, that needs to leave. Then again. This is Sonic. Not this. So this game, needed to never exist.
Wait. I'm not done. Impossibly, it gets worse. You have to complete the dumbest missions imaginable. They're abhorrent. Okay, in this one, you practically do nothing, and you win. That's it. Yeah, an incredible piece of shit.
Oh great, a loading screen. Look at the random instructions. They're simplified to the point where they don't make any sense. This is ridiculous. Why is it taking so long?
Okay. This is the first level of the game. It sucks. They all suck.
Look. No footprints.
His spin dash is practically useless. You can't jump midway, to make a giant leap. Most of the time, I forget he even has it.
He slides like he's on ice, too.
The loops are nothing but cinematic level fillers, so put down your controller, and watch the fucking movie.
The game will not output force feedback, even if you are use a Dual Shock 3, but who's fault was that? Not Sega's.
These rings wouldn't be so impossible to get, if it wasn't for the stupid camera.
Also, that orca, is no bigger than the rest. How would Sonic even know? It's the first one he's seen.
Now look at this. He out runs this orca. Jumps on flying pieces of wood. And now, he's going to jump off that orca's fin, and continue running, right?
Well, the way everything was connecting together, you'd expect him to, but no. He ruins it all, by being a wimp. I mean, it would have been cheesy, anyways, but now, it's just a lame excuse to force you to play as Tails.
What was he even doing, randomly standing by the edge of the dock, in the first place?
Look. They fall down the water like air, make no splash, and Tails screams like a little girl. Why can't they swim?
I missed a ring. Let me go back for it. Collecting all the rings is impossibly legendary. It would be easier, landing a bowling ball, from space, into a rubber band, on Earth. Look, I can't even get this one. Where is it? Oh, there it is. Crap. Damn. What the hell? Why is it so hard? Stupid ring. No. Fuck nozzle!
He can only attack, by throwing dummy rings.
Yeah, throw those dummy rings. It's so stupid.
Imagine in Galaxy, if Mario can only attack, by throwing dummy coins.
It's like, he can infinitely pull them out of his ass, too. And look. He can't even pick them back up.
The worst part, is when you keep, accidentally switching to first person mode. That always fucks you up.
The entire concept makes absolutely no sense. Why can't Tails just attack, by using himself?
So I hit the damn switch.
Okay. Why is there even a gate here? Am I in a fucking aquarium? Now look at that. It doesn't even fully close. What a piece of shit. I mean, is the water supposed to be the ground? It should be useless. Why doesn't the stupid orca, just swim underneath,
or go around? Look at it. How could it block the way?
He jumps away, before it, anyways, so what difference does it make, if it's closed, let alone, partially open?
If you don't hit the switch, you have to watch this. Fun, isn't it? It's one of the cheesiest cut scenes I've ever seen, and the orca, randomly, partially disappears. Why must I watch this? Am I supposed to be sad right now? If anything, I'd be happier if Sonic never came back.
Those mistakes, may not have been made, if you weren't forced to play as Tails. It's like, having to play as him, was more important, than making sense.
What he should have been doing, is follow my ass, as traditionally done so, in the past. It's like, even Tails can barely stand Sonic now, which is why he now plays alone.
Okay. How did he get to here, all the way from here? At the beginning, I at most, expected him to jump to a nearby island,
but at the end, he jumps to the next fucking country, even before the actual gate. Now, there is absolutely no excuse, why he couldn't have jumped off the fucking fin, at the beginning. Is it possible, for the entire thing, to make any less sense? Could the infinite train, loaded with bullshit, be any longer?
Yes. All of a sudden, he decides to run faster. If he ran faster at the very beginning, he would have caught up by now.
1-Up? 1-Up a donkey's ass.
What's wrong with this? This is a tradition. Did they have to ruin it too?
That was too pointless.
Empty containers, like this, are important, right? They definitely need to exist.
Unlike this horrible game.
Look. I'm running in the opposite direction to a dead end. What a crap full of fuck platypus.
Okay, so I beat the level, but why does Sonic stop and pose, in the middle of the chase?
This game is a monstrous pile of rotten, moldy, partially undigested, diarrhea, bubbling out of the asshole of a dead hippopotamus! I'd rather waste my time, playing connect-the-dots, with every single star of the Universe.
Let's keep playing.
Alright. One more level. The music is finally good.
But controlling Sonic, is like riding a broken unicycle, down a partially melted ice berg. Damn.
Look. Now I'm stuck. Come on, you blue ball of shit. Move. No. You're going the wrong way. Finally. No. No. No. Fuck.
Look. How was I supposed to avoid that small object? It came out of nowhere, and hit me in a fraction of a second. No. Don't go up. Oh, come on. It didn't even hit me.
Fuck. This game bounces on kangaroo balls.
Look. Now, you're forced to play as Tails again, but this time, without any reason at all. No lame excuses. Absolutely nothing. You're simply, just forced to play as him, like a baton race, which is actually worse. I mean, they didn't even try.
Where's the fucking switch? Oh, there it is. Okay. Now where is it? Oh, you could just fly over it?
I just want to get out of here. Look. There's the checkpoint. That must be the exit. This looks familiar. Oh, look. I just went around in a circle.
I'd have more fun at Disney Land, in the baking hot sun, with a migraine, wearing a Mickey Mouse costume, while taking a shit, holding a screaming baby, that pukes diarrhea on my face, and an elephant sat on me, while also taking a shit.
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