No.
Have you ever went from being a tough guy ready to kick someone's ass to a scared little bitch being chased in a car getting shot at?

Eh, no? I live the real life :)

Have you ever tried to suck your dick?

No, I'm not gay.

Have you ever been having unprotected sex with your girlfriend with her on top and you fling her off just as you are about to climax and have the first shot of your load land right in the corner of your mouth?

hahahahahahahahaha no, but that's a very interesting story

Have you had sex, but never actually had a girlfriend? (i.e. just one night stands)

Finally, one I can say YES to.

Have you ever committed a random act of kindness?

NO. Human misfortune pleases me.

Have you ever farted at a really important moment? (i.e, while on a date/interview/test etc...)

No but I'm surprised I haven't cause I fart all the time.

And while on the subject, have you ever singed your ass hairs as a result of lighting a fart?

No, but I really hope that story is true because it sounds amazing

Have you ever caught 'em all?

Yes, I did on Pokemon Red.

Have you ever been in a car accident?

Yes, a very minor one though.

Have you ever owned an Apple product?