Mine was a slow progress over years. The first was that I always questioned everything.. including science. I didn't question Miracles since they were the act's and gifts of God, but often I questioned motives and results. Though I believed god existed I didn't go to Church much except on special events and the occasional time with my grand parents.
I pretty much had my crisis of faith when my mother passed at away when I was 16. Interestingly enough it wasn't her passing away. It was her faith that killed her. She firmly believed that her faith in God would cure her cancer. Which in retrospect was the most f@*$(# up idea ever. Of course I was a teen and so emotionally stupid at the time I didn't make her. The rest of my family of course were far more Christian than I was and let her make the choice. Totally f'ed. So I had the enjoyment of being a 16/17 year old orphan and trying to adjust make the adjustment to responsible adult with well no one. The rest of my family was pretty much barely present. On bus trips I would openly cry with no ability to hold it back and look respectable. It would pretty much happen anywhere. I payed continued lip service Church when it came up in my life. Which was rare anyways.
I spent the following 4 years confused and lost. When I finally came out of the state. It wasn't because God or the Church provided an answer. It was because I saw a young woman on the Bus crying out in the open. I was and am a bit of a coward to such things so I didn't say Hi.. to my own guilt. Though I started to ponder about other people and their pain. That's when I started to open my mind that pain is part of life. It wasn't an answer of course, but it set me on a self search of discovery by learning from others.
Over the next couple of years I came to face my mothers passing again and had to face what happened. I am not to blame for her death, but I am not free of guilt either. The responsibility of ourselves and those around us are in our hands not those of rules or faith's. There is more to it than that of course. This led me on to question much bout Christianity itself. Not God, not Jesus, not the Message, but means, the delivery the presentation.
Christianity and Faith is not a problem. It's the delivery. Eventually from the various people I talked to and on the occasions it ended up in perceptions in the world. My path of searching has be called Buddhism. So for simplicity as a label since I believe in personal search of belief and faith. I use it though I have never really read a Buddhist book.
I think this simple example really defines why I walk away from Christianity. I will keep this simple rather than long.
Jesus went to visit his friend Lazerus. Whom he was informed died shortly before his arrival. Jesus went to his friends tomb and performed a miracle. He brought his friend back to life and everyone was happy. The family(wife,kids...) had incredible grief over his death. Their grief was removed by their faith in God and Jesus.
Sakyamuni, the Buddha was approached by a young woman Kisa. Her only child was dead. She asked the Buddha to give her the medicine to help her sun. He requested musterd seeds from a house where no one has lost a child, husband, parent or friend. Kisa went about that night through the city asking for the seeds. By the end she could not get the Musterd seeds. They were reminded of the pain of a lost one and let her know. She learned that life and death are natural. When she went back to the Buddha she was a little wiser.
The results are that the family of Lazerus while being gifted once. Will not be gifted again. They will have to suffer the pain of his death again. Where as Kisa could move on sooner knowing that pain, death are part of the nature of life. The story of the Bible tells us that God is powerful and if we follow his rules we are granted into Heaven. So we are told to love others like God does, but do we? Bhuddism or my self search has thought me that I love people because we are all special. I learned to love others through the pain I suffered and in that I was able to move forward.
So when my grandfather passed away a few years later I was hurt. He was the closest person I had to a father. His passing away hurt a lot, but I was able to be their more for my grandmother and I was able to appreciate all the special time I had with him. It was finally in his passing that I pretty much my fill in the Christian orthodox. I am a far better person know than I was then. I love humans over all and I appreciate every moment I have with all the who come into my life. Either long or short. Even if they bug me to hell and I think my neighbor is insane. I still love her a human. meh, I never said I was good at being Buddhist.
I just don't believe the Church/Christianity teaches the lessons of Love, Forgiveness and growth well. Often I find that followers are more like sheep that expect certain behaviors from other sheep. When other sheep don't behave like the them Love, Forgiveness, understanding get's replaced by cruelty, ignorance, expulsion. Those of course are more extreme. My own grandparents were subjects to that once, but they weren't as bad. They never banished me from their family life. They excepted me. So it's not an absolute.
