Basically, I'm doing "Caustic Critic" reviews of things I feel have been neglected by most of these reviewers. I have no idea why, but those people just don't cover these things. Well someone has to do it, so I'm going to. Usually these will be games and movies, but other things will be covered as well. I'll even take recommendations.

Also, there will be some foul language here. Hopefully not as much as the Angry Video Game Nerd, but I'm just giving you a fair warning.

My first review is for this game called Super Mario Bros. I'm sure most of you haven't heard of it, but I find that it's best you have heard of it... so that you know to stay the hell away from this game.

It's horrible. It has shoody level design, piss poor controls, logic that can make your head explode, and has the most cheap and unfair deaths I've ever seen in a game.

The problems with this game are evident right from the beginning. Your character (named Mario, as in the title, which is "so original") just starts out on some road somewhere. No text scroll or cut scene to tell you what the hell is going on. But you do have this absolutely horrible music playing to keep you company. It consists of a lot of random blips that got shoehorned into some semblance of a melody, and I'm being generous when I call it a melody.

And Mario is just standing there. No clue where to go or what to do. I'm just looking at the control pad wondering what button does what. I mean, what does "A" do? Does it fire? Does it kick? Does it punch? Does it fire missles? Drop a bomb? Toggle weapons? Command troops? Command units? Magic? Items? Main Menu? Sub Menu? Talk? Examine? Discard? Crouch? Aim? Guard? Dodge? Lock-on target? Dash? Backdash? Shapeshift?

It turns out it jumps. Well how the fuck are we supposed to know that? This is what tutorials are for, people.

Oh, but then you meet the first enemy. It looks like a small, brown pyramid with eyes and feet, and it's admittedly kind of cute. I walked up to it, and made ready to shoot it.

Nothing. I couldn't shoot it. I couldn't punch it. I had no weapons, no attacks. But you know what the worst part was? It touches Mario, and he dies.

I'm not kidding. He dies just from touching the monster. Samuel L. Jackson from Unbreakable could kick his ass!

And there doesn't seem to be a way past that thing! I lost so many damn lives trying just to get past the first enemy in this godforsaken game.

Finally, I swallowed my pride and looked it up on gamefaqs. Get this. You have to jump over it. Thanks a fucking lot to the game for not telling me that beforehand. This is what tutorials are for, people!

Now here's where the logic of this game turns really to shit. Mario touches this thing from the side, Mario dies. Mario jumps on top of this thing it dies. And I mean it gets flattened like a pancake, when Mario can't possibly do that, as his feet are not wide enough to do that in one motion. Anatomy doesn't work that way!

Oh, and either Mario's head is as strong as his legs, or all the blocks floating in the air are made of rubber. You jump underneath them, and they bounce. So not only can this guy slam his head into basically the ceiling, and the ceiling gives way, the ceiling is floating on nothing. Have the people who made this game even heard of Sir Isaac Newton?

Oh, and one of the blocks makes a large mushroom appear, and the mushroom starts moving forward. And because this game doesn't have a tutorial, I don't know that it's a power up. I think it's an enemy, and try to dodge it. Yep, this game will make you miss valuable items because it doesn't explain anything.

Speaking of mushrooms, the people who made this game should have been on drugs. This game would have made a lot more sense.

I mean, touching the mushroom makes Mario grow bigger. Sure, the game has already pissed on every other law of physics. Let's break a few more. I hate this game.

Oh, I almost forgot. The mushroom is useless as a power up. You can break some of the blocks instead of them bouncing, but not all of them. Yet because of that, it gives you hope Mario can touch enemies without loosing one of his three lives (WTF, is he one-third cat?). Well... sort of. He still gets hurt, just he shrinks. He's still a wimp when touching things. All the mushroom does is give him an extra meat shield. Woop-de-freakin'-do.

Oh, but that's not the worst power up. There's a flower that does nothing but change the color of Mario's clothes. You read that right. It changes the color of his clothes.

The star is okay, I guess. It's the only way in the game you can touch enemies safely. Instead they die when you touch them. That still makes no goddamned sense. Why can't you just touch each other and not have something happen, other than you bump into each other, just like in, you know, real fucking life!

Anyway, the enemies are not the worst part of the first level. There are these gaps in the road. You fall down them, you lose a life. Now considering breathing on Mario would cost him a life, that would make sense, but I looked it up, and those are supposed to be bottomless pits.

That is not possible!

The only way for that to happen, is for there to be an object with mass and gravity that can have a pit, but the object is infite in size. Anything finite with a pit has to have a bottom. If it somehow goes all the way to the other side of the object (and not even taking a planet's core into account), then it's not a pit. It's a tunnel.

Oh, but the logic isn't the problem, believe it or not. It's jumping past them. Mario is clearly overweight from the looks of the sprite, so how the hell can he jump even a few feet? He's not fit enough.

So I died, and died, and died, and died. There's even a tricky one that's in between two flights of stairs. That just made me so pissed, and it's still the first level!

And when you think you are safe, the game tries to trick you. There's a huge flight of stairs, and it's a long way to the ground. There is no way Mario could survive the fall. But he does. Touching enemies kills him, but falling five stories does squat.

I hate this game.

So then you are at what seems like the end of the level, but once again the game leaves you clueless. There's a flagpole and a castle. Do you call out to whomever is in the castle? Radio them? Knock on the door? Actually, you can't do the latter, since the flagpole is in your fucking way. So what do you do? You jump on the flagpole? I mean, when was the last time you entered a building by jumping on a flagpole? That's right, none, because that's not how you enter buildings!

Oh, and you get these fireworks once in a while when you enter the castle. Sometimes none, sometimes a lot. It all seems to be random.

Speaking of random, Mario has this power that he sometimes can use, and sometimes not. There's no reason for why he can't do it all the time. The game just wants to screw with you.

And what's the power? Throwing fire. But not a stream of fire like a flamethrower. Mario throws balls of fire, that bounce. You read the right. They bounce. You know, I would call on how that's impossible, but I'll skip a few of the obvious pissing on physics. Otherwise we'd be here all day.

The next level is underground. And it's not a bit less frustrating. There's the one set of bricks that you have to have your large form to break. Otherwise you can't get any further. Sure there's an opening large enough for Mario when he's small, but a bunch of enemies streamed underneath it. I'm not sending Mario into an ambush. So either stay big or you're screwed.

I'd comment on the plants that look like Audrey II, but that movie came out a couple years after this, so it can't possibly have ripped that movie off.

Update: I've been informed that "Little Shop of Horrors" is a remake of a low budget Roger Corman film that came out in the 1960s, but I still won't call it a rip-off, because otherwise it would mean the people who made this game would had to have actually watched a Roger Corman film.

The next level is the closest you can get to hell without any of the fire and brimstone. Other than the beginning and ending roads, the level is a bunch of treetops, which means... more jumping over pits.

I'm not ashamed to admit I cried here. It's practically impossible to make so many jumps without falling down one. It's like the ledge with the soldier and eagle in Ninja Gaiden on the NES, times 20.

Okay, I used a game genie. The game doesn't want to play fair, so why should I?

The fourth area is inside a large castle, but looks nothing like a castle. Unless a bunch of rotating fireballs suspended in a synchronized, revolving line counts as a torch. But aside from that, the level made some kind of sense, in that almost everything that kills you is at least made of fire, even the pits. Heck, that made the level slightly easier than the previous level, since I at least knew what was lethal and what wasn't. If it wasn't on fire, or a dragon, it was safe.

Yes, a dragon is the boss. But this game takes place on a fantasy world, I'll give it leeway, since it doesn't have to follow the laws of physics.

But the goodwill of the logic of the level was ruined by how you beat the dragon. Okay, I looked it up and the impossible bouncing fireballs (would it have killed this game to follow the laws of physics?) can kill the dragon, but since it's random, you have to depend on another method most of the time.

At the end of the bridge the dragon is on, there is an ax. One of those two-bladed battle axes. It's also as big as Mario, and it's sticking straight up.

You have to jump on it.

Let me repeat that in case your mind is reeling from the stupidity. You have to jump onto the blade of an axe.

I seriously wanted to pound my head against the wall when I found that out. There are a whole bunch of ways to describe how stupid this is, and every one would be an insult the thing I would be comparing this to.

I mean, why not just shoot a gun to your head and have spirits come out? It's that dumb.

Oh, but that still isn't the worst part. Mario jumps on the aze, the bridge somehow gives out, and the dragon falls in. So you slew the dragon. You should be at the end of the game. But when you get to the next room...

You find out you're supposed to rescue a princess, and... she's not here.

The game isn't over yet. You just completed one eighth of it. All that pain, and you're only a fraction done.

I hate this game. I hate this game. I hate this game! IHATEITIHATEITIHATEITIHATEITIHATEITIHATEIT IHATEITIHATEITIHATEITIHATEITIHATEIT!!!!!!!!!!

Well if you somehow managed to avoid giving up playing all video games entirely after this crap, and you somehow actually want to get to the end (use a cheat device, it's the only way to dull the pain), you get 28 more of these insane levels.

There are a couple that take place underwater. And it turns out there is a timer that costs Mario a life when it runs out. I would give this game credit for having drowning in a somewhat realistic manner, but then it turns out the timer is there when he's beathing air.

So if he's in the water too long, he drowns, and if he's in the air too long, he drowns... is he from some planet where they breathe methane?

But after those water levels, there are bridges where the fish in the water levels start jumping out after you. Fish leaping through air. Okay, I would accept these as flying fish, but their fins are not big enough. What's next, shooting fireballs from their rears? Because that's where most of these powers are coming from.

Then there are some levels that are nighttime. No freakin' reason is given for this. It just is.

An the enemies are even more insane than the last. The worst are some creatures that look like the dragon, but smaller, and they throw hammers at you. Is there a pile of hammers they are getting those from? No. They just appear out of nowhere. What the fuck? Is there some hyperspace pocket they are pulling those hammers from? It makes no goddamn sense!

Fuck it, I'll just wrap this up. You lather, rinse, scream, repeat, and finally you rescue the princess... who tells Mario that you get to play the game all over again...

Keeping my calm, keeping my calm. Just repeat my mantra of peace...

There's always room for jello. There's always room for jello. There's always room for jello.

Well as you can guess this game isn't worth playing again. Or to put it another way...

This is crap!

It's the most unintuitive, nonsensical game I've ever played. The control actually tries to be easy to learn, but hard to master (you can't have your cake and eat it too, you know!). The combat is non-existent. You'd have to practically memorize the level design to have a prayer. And any sense of reason isn't worth crap here.

You want a good game, try Gilligan's Island or Friday the 13th. Leave this game where it belongs.

Is this a parody?  If so, it's quite funny.

Believe whatever you want to believe.

But the typos were accidental. I'll have to correct them.

Sorry for the double post. I'm just letting you know my next review will be a movie. At least the pain will only last a couple hours this time.

And that my friends, is how you design one of the best games ever.

How dare you, Sir! I challenge you to the field of honor!

I was hoping this was a review for actual bad games, oh well.

What makes you think this isn't?

Because I know satire when I see it?

Honestly, I was worried I'd get a lot of comments that didn't get it.

Anyway, was this any good?