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Sorry to know you're going through really depressing times, Jaicee. Although I haven't had to manage depression to that extent, there was a rough time in my life where I'd thought of ending it.

I'm not sure how helpful my advice/story would be compared to other great comments posted here - especially since I'm kinda tired, but it's worth a shot. What makes it easy to assess my dark time in the rearview mirror is my narrative of 'deserving' to own the moment. Whether you look at it spiritually, cosmically, or statistically, it's mind-boggling to even think about how you exist right now. Since the improbability of being alive is so daunting, beating those odds entitles you to keep going and holding onto whatever motivates you. That inward motivation has been monumentally helpful for me.

I should also admit that thinking was guided by occasional pot & alcohol consumption since that event. Obviously avoid those IF you've had some terrible stories with either. Other than that, focus on the little good things you're able to do while we're on this weird journey. Even if you think there's nothing after death (I'm hesitant to say yes), that also means your abundance of options are permanently gone too.

Hope this dark cloud leaves you soon.