ZOMG! The Wii U bouncie-back big time! It's 109k less than the gamecube's second holiday and like ALMOST A THIRDZORS OF WII'S SECOND HOLIDAY! DOMINATIONZATIOUSNESS!
So dominate. Very first placezors. Much console.
Allow me to write sixty four thousand pages about it.
The Tale of the Benevolent Dad of Nintendo & The Very Naughty Children of Third-Parties
Part I - The Naughty Kids of the Third Party Set Out on their Own
First of all, Nintendo is the DOMINATOR so they have formulated a plan. Nintendo is smart. They looked ahead and formulated a strategy. Third parties had a chance to hang out at their dad's, but they wanted to run off in the bushes and puke up stolen beer. Dad was a benevolent console, though, and he understood they just needed a chance to grow. So, he walked up in a tiny hat and said 'Kids, I know what you're doing is just a part of growing up. Just give me your keys so you can't drive and hurt yourselves.' The kids gladly handed up the keys and passed out face down in the grass. But Dad just chuckled because he had been that age before.
So he went inside and ate some Doritos. The next day, when the third party children woke up in the lawn, their t-shirts covered in vomit, they staggered back inside. "Well," said Nintendo the Holy Father of the Land, "you want your keys back?"
This is where the third parties surprised Nintendo. "No!" they shouted with a chorus of joined voices, their unison loud and booming in the Dad's living room. "We will make our own keys! We will learn to hotwire the cars of gaming and drive them down the highways of cinematic presentation! We will take the off-ramp to immersion and dine at the drive-thru of high-resolution displays and surround sound abandon!"
Dad just had to shake his head and chuckle because he had heard it all before. So, he sat reading his paper and somehow magically spewing out video game perfection from his navel like some kind of Hindu god, while the naughty, puke-soaked third party children crossed the black wire with the red wire and drove their Winnebagoes down the crosstown road of network integration until they reached the land of 16:9 displays, laughing and patting themselves on the back at their own ingenuity.
But Nintendo, their loving Dad, sat on the toilet of pure gaming genius and crapped out the excellence that lined his intestinal tract.
Meanwhile, back at the naughty hotwire kids major stolen car convoy, the childish third parties were fueling up at the gas station of heavy development costs. Storm clouds of some other kind of metaphor, like increased processor wattage, threatened in the distance, but the third parties just shrugged and said 'Rain comes, and rain goes, and we have to have a 22nm processs to power our ultimate storm front of precipitous pixels.'
And so they rode down the highway of high-resolution, pedals of processing pressed to the floorboards of gigaFLOPS, when they encountered their first big obstacle - the roadblock of raw bandwidth. They screeched to a halt.
"What you got in your car, kids?" asked the Traffic Cop of Texture Mapping. "Anything I should know about?"
"Gaming goodness!" replied the naughty kids of third partydom, feeling smug.
"Well, I'll let you though!" replied the cop, "but only if you can shoulder increased production costs."
"We can!" agreed the children happily, pressing pedal to the metal of menu options once more.
Meanwhile, back at home, the genius wizard Dad Nintendo sang in the shower of pre-programmed shaders, confident that his autostereoscopic screen of soap scrubbing would clean the dirt of the day's events from his soiled butt of build quality.
When it comes right down to it, the kids cruised safely on to the land of large risk games, an AAA-atmosphere making it hard for them to breathe the breath of beautiful return on investment.
Meanwhile, the Dad laughed because he had planned out every step of the way.
TO BE CONTINUED.
