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Forums - General Discussion - Probably not gonna have kids/my own family and trying to make peace with that

Like most people, I've always wanted to find a partner and eventually have a family someday, but I'm starting to think that's not how my life will or even should go.

I always figured that eventually I would "mature" in terms of social and functional development, but it just never happened; I seem perpetually stuck with a child's mind in an adult body, having made no progress at all since my early 20s. Perhaps I need to accept that this is who I am and make peace with that.

Romantic relationships are just too difficult; they require a degree of social dexterity that my brain is simply incapable of. I've only had one such relationship in my life, 7 years ago, and that only lasted as long as it did because we only saw each other about once a week and a partial language barrier smoothed over the social disconnect somewhat. This eventually broke down over time as my social disability became increasingly obvious and problematic. 

Furthermore, even if I could find a partner, I don't think I would be a good parent; I can only barely look after myself. I don't think I would be able to give a child a good start in life. Plus, if I were to have a child, I would risk passing on my mental health problems to them.

I wish I could switch off the need I feel for romance, sex, and a family of my own, but I don't know how. Such fundamental social and biological impulses seem impossible to suppress.

Has anyone else here gone through something similar, or just never wanted partner and kids and learned to be happy without them?

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You would do well to not measure your own life and life goals at other people's standards. Life can come in all shapes and forms and there is a chance for anyone to succeed in their own goals, even if those goals do not look like other people's.

I thought a lot about it and I pretty much have made peace with the fact that I will probably never have a family. There is still a chance for everything of course so I'm keeping myself available. But it is not defining my life or who I am.

I see a lot of people like you who struggle with social life and think they're wrong somehow, when it's completely the other way around. A social life is not what you need to complete you or make you happy. A social life will only make you happy if you're already happy by yourself. If you're not happy with yourself nothing else will make that for you and your doubts about yourself will sabotage every single relationship that you're in. It's not your job to conform to others. It's your job to find a way that works for you. And if something doesn't work that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, it just means you still need to find things that are compatible to you.

So work on yourself, search yourself and figure out what you need to do to make yourself satisfied. It will make you more happy, confident and in return will make you both more attractive to others and more stable.

BTW the vast majority of parents are babies in adult bodies that have no idea what they're doing. The only difference between them and you is that they just went for it because they don't have much else to worry about.

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Kids make you a better person. Most people I know didn't plan on having a kid. It just sorta happens. Then you figure it out. I mean I have no fucking idea. Then this little girls magically appears from my gf's vagina and I'm like "Okay. I can't mess this up..."

If you do have one, you'll be fine. If you don't, that's fine too. But don't worry so much about it. When it happens, it happens. Right now, I'd work on my ability to bond with other people. To relate and enjoy their company. Technology has made that much harder for younger people, it seems. But don't think you're alone or the only one going through it.

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If you feel the need for such things as family, perhaps you are meant to have one after all and just have not found the right partner yet.
I dont't know. Maybe you are right and it isn't meant to be for you. And that need you feel is not intronsic but something ingrained by iutside standards.
But there are soooo many different people. I once read that most people marry somebody within a 10 kilometer radius of where they live. Isn't that crazy to think that there are so many people who are right enough for most. Could just aswell be, that you've been somewhat unlicky with the people you date. I think it does not take many disappointments to crush somebodys spirit in this regard.

Also, this adult thing you are talking about. How do you feel like you have not progressed? Do you not have enough income to take care of a family, or is it, that you feel immature and childish? Because I'm 30 and I often feel childish and dumb. Still I think I would be a great father. (For me it is income - could not support a family at the moment.)

I don't know how old you are but I went through the same fase. I'd say late 20's early 30's. I'm now 37 and don't even think about it anymore.

Thing is, as you get older you stop caring about it, I even bought a 3 bedroom house planning for a family in the future, but for a few years I've just lived my life as it is, I started running and swimming 7 years ago, I also started playing the guitar and saxophone, and with a full time job and taking care of my home and garden I just don't even have time to have a girlfriend much less kids.

Just enjoy life, there's a lot to get excited about. Women and kids are way more work and trouble than they are worth. With the money you save on that, enjoy yourself.

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Brave of you to assume adults aren't children in adult bodies.

Everyone's trying to convince everyone else we know what we're doing, we're just monkeys wearing clothes.

Parents don't know what they're doing and you fuck up enough to kind of learn what you need to do and you get better at it, like anything at life.

Same with relationships, it takes everyone a few go's and you haven't had many tries so it's going to seem very difficult.

You're not going to play Beethoven's 5th after only 1 practice session?

Don't give up man.

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Man, that's tough!

Vivster says so many great things here. He's right that you shouldn't blame yourself for anything and be proud of the person that you are. And if it happens that you do not start a family, then so be it, that's fine. You don't need to feel bad about it.

However, in your life you are the Player 1 and if you desire kids and a wife but that desire never fulfills then I can definitely see why this is so frustrating for you. After all, the urge to reproduce is just in our DNA and it's not very easy to fight it.

My situation is totally different, but still a tiny bit relatable. I am in a relationship for 8 years now and I want to go the next step and have a bunch of kids - she doesn't. I'm stuck now. She is the love of my life but I can't force her to have kids. Meanwhile my three brothers are all long since married and have kids and I am jealous.

Really tough. I wish you all the best on this. But just like vivster said, life can be beautiful nontheless and you don't need to apologize to anyone for who you are. If it happens, it happens. If not, then not. Both is fine.

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It's not only men who go through this, so don't worry too much about it and don't give up entirely. In their 20s, women will be picky about their partners, just like men are. But the older people get, the fewer requirements they will expect a potential partner to meet. On top of that, women have to deal with their biological clock, so there's more pressure on them to get kids on their own; men can still become fathers at a (very) high age, women can't become mothers at a high age.

So while it may seem impossible at your current age to find a partner of the same age, your chances for that are going to improve the closer you get to age 40 and above. Right now it probably won't feel uplifting that your only ticket to family may be one out of pity (I am having a bit of trouble to word this appropriately), but by the time it happens you wouldn't mind, because any ticket would be considered better than none.

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I have a wife and two kids, but one is inside me and will never die :) Life is not easy, it is never, with or without a family.

life is unpredictable, you think you have a family, and then you discover that your wife has been cheating on you for 3 years and behaves at home as if everything was normal. Take life for what it is, do what makes you feel good, and not be what others would like you to be. Relationships are like variables, they can last a lifetime or end from one day to the next when you least expect it, things change inside us and outside of us from one day to the next. Live and follow your instincts, and always keep the door open because you never know, and hidden somewhere there may be someone who can make you happy. Unfortunately then, only God knows how everything will end.

”Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.”

Harriet Tubman.

curl-6 said:

I always figured that eventually I would "mature" in terms of social and functional development, but it just never happened; I seem perpetually stuck with a child's mind in an adult body, having made no progress at all since my early 20s.

That literally describes every single adult I know from my generation.
The only adults I don't have this perception of are the ones that are significantly older, and/or I don't know them well. And it's probably mainly due to the latter.

As for me I don't want kids. And that can be an issue if you're in a relationship with someone who does.