So, I wasn't originally planning on making this thread, but I'm a bit of an attention whore myself, and I think that if anyone did/does wonder what has transpired/what is going on, that this should explain enough.
So, I ended up becoming more involved in the site early last year, and eventually decided to join the Discord server in mid-April. It was such a rush of energy and excitement, finally having people to talk to again after essentially years of not having any friends at all. This excitement/honeymoon would last for a few months, reaching its height when I ended up taking the PlayStation Nation. I was at such a high at that point, that it was inevitably going to go downward.
That would end up happening not much later, in around August. One person that I had a very big emotional attachment to (no, it was not romantic/sexual or anything like that) ended up growing tired of me, and without having all the answers as to why I've been agonizing over it ever since.
So, I had originally planned on actually leaving the site in October, as I was feeling horrible and just over-all depressed, and was starting to feel like I had worn-out my welcome. However, with Talon coming and making changes to the site, I ended up getting involved and helping with the site fixes. However, there was a bit of a clash with me and the mod team at the time, as my roles/intentions in regards to it were a topic of contention, and this mistrust/confusion resulted in me getting upset and probably doing some things that I shouldn't have. So, ever since that point I haven't been able to fully make-up with certain people there either.
So, by this point, I kept on switching between feeling worse and wanting to quit the site/leave the Discord server, and then changing my mind and wanting to come back. This went on for months, and probably caused headaches among the staff team who probably wondered why I left so many times without notice. Well, eventually the solution that had to be worked out was that I requested to be banned from all non-staff channels, so that I would only just focus on the staff duties.
However, in doing so, I also cut off a source of social interaction, and I began to miss interacting with certain people. So I essentially put myself in a lose-lose situation: I would either be in the channels and not be able to cope with people not liking me, or I would nto be in the channels and not be able to cope with not being able to speak to anybody.
Well, I had many breakdowns where I would disappear for a few days, but today I kind of just collapsed. I was essentially past the breaking point, and I really couldn't handle it anymore. So, I've been relieved of my staff duties for the moment, and I am going to take a break for a little bit. How long? Well to be honest, I'm not sure. It's clear that I need a lot of figuring out to do before I'm ready to come back, and I really need to be sure that I'm completely ready before trying to make a return. However, another issue is that the longer I stay away from the community here, the harder it will be for me to re-integrate (combined with my anxieties which make me worry that I've already turned a lot of people away by constantly leaving and taking breaks and worrying, etc.)
So, what that means is that I essentially have to cut myself off of here completely for the time being. That means that I won't be posting in here/responding to people, it means that I won't be talking to people at all on Discord, and it probably also means that I'm going to set my Steam account offline so nobody can contact me there either. So, if you guys can't contact me, don't worry, that won't be a unique thing specific to you, I'll have to get away from everyone as even just talking to people that I know from the site triggers me at this point, and so I just have to go off the grid for now.
I hope that you guys will understand my reasons, and I hope that once I return I will be able to make up with some people (though I guess that is probably not the best train of thought and may actually end up hurting more if I come back), but I just want to say that I will miss you guys, I will probably have urges to engage in conversation with you guys for a while, but I just have to do this, since a forum should not be bringing me to the point where I am depressed, tired, crying, too distracted to do schoolwork, thinking suicidal thoughts, etc. So, until next time, I hope everything goes well for you guys!