By using this site, you agree to our Privacy Policy and our Terms of Use. Close

Here is Dan Hanzus' guide to watch preseason football:

Don't worry about the final score

 

By the time the fourth quarter rolls around in these games -- i.e., the time when a football game is decided -- half the roster is populated by future UPS drivers, personal trainers, club bouncers and reserve linebackers for the Dubrovnik Dragons. Special teams jobs, not real games, are won and lost in preseason crunch time.

Do check the injury report

 

A crappy reality of the preseason: The games might not matter, but large humans running at full speed toward each other will always lead to cart rides and MRI exams. Just ask Patriots wide receiver Malcolm Mitchell, who now knows what it would be like if his arm were constructed like a defective McFarlane statue. Wait, you really want to watch that play? Do you own all the "Saw" movies on Blu-ray or something? Have at it, sicko.

 

 

Don't fall in love too fast

 

If you watch your team closely enough this month, there probably will be a young guy who jumps off the screen. Be intrigued, be excited, but keep it all in perspective. Preseason and regular-season action are distant cousins. Yeah, that undrafted running back just broke 17 tackles on his 64-yard touchdown run, but who was actually trying to tackle him? For everyThomas Rawls, there are six Zach Zenners.

Pay attention to position battle

 

This is where the real competition is at. Every snap matters. Look no further than the defendingSuper Bowl champs, who have an old-fashioned quarterback battle in SANCHEZ vs. SIEMIAN. Goosebumps, people. QB battles also can be found in San Francisco, Los Angeles and Cleveland. (You're not really buying RGIII as the no-doubt Week 1 starter, are you?) Also, kicker and punter battles are fun and the easiest to judge from home.

Do accept free tickets ... with stipulations

 

The biggest scam in sports has to be season-ticket holders being forced to pay full price for two preseason tilts. Not surprisingly, these are the tickets most likely to be offered to you for free or at nominal cost. Fun fact: My dad took me to approximately 35 Jets preseason games during my childhood.

Given the weather (hot, humid, gross) and quality of games (see above), I only accept these tickets with a series of escalating qualifiers. This is my NFL preseason football attendance rider:

1) The tickets must be free. 2) A parking pass must be included. 3) The other guy -- whoever that other guy is -- must drive. 4) I will supply the cornhole boards, football, frisbee etc. for tailgate fun at no cost, but you must supply all beer/mixers/ice/Tito's® brand vodka and all necessary grilling goods and supplies. 5) I will buy your first beer inside stadium (craft selections excluded).

OK, who's picking me up?

And here is my guide:

Don't watch it and waste your time with that abomination.



Legend11 correctly predicted that GTA IV (360+PS3) would outsell SSBB. I was wrong.

A Biased Review Reloaded / Open Your Eyes / Switch Shipments