Wii
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Wii (pronounced urine) (or Nintendo Wang in Japanese) is the name of Nintendo's newest console with a MSRP of at Least 100 dollars. The idea was born by Japanophiles who thought the phrase "Wii will change everything" was the funniest thing ever. Nintendo claims the "ii" is an image of gamers playing together... which is complete crap as gamers have no friends with whom to play. The Wii fan base consists mainly soccer moms, 5-year-old girls, and whiny 12 year olds whose parents can't afford a decent gaming console. Anyone with half a brain knows that it's basically just the FailCube with vibrator/Wiimote capabilities and next-gen freezing technology. It is also 99.9% likely that it will give you wanker's cramp.
[edit] Wii Games
With the Wii's cutting edge waggle technology, you can expect nothing but the most mind blowingly, kick ass, new, and more than anything, innovative games ever made in the history of the universe. Have you ever played chess before? Fuck no, you haven't played chess until you've played Wii Chess! Unlike regular old boring chess where you move un-animated chess pieces across a boring wooden board using your fucking monkey hands, Wii Chess allows you to manipulate virtual chess pieces using cutting edge motion-sensor technology, allowing you to proudly shout "check mate!" at your opponent over the interwebs like any civilized 21st century gamer.
Expect nothing but the most cutting edge minigames in console gaming history. Aimed at "casual gamers" (read: your grandparents and kindergartners) the majority of future titles available will have innovative gameplay that can be run through in less than an hour. You can bet your blue overalls that Mario will continue to defecate on any sport imaginable, like Tennis, Soccer, Baseball, Basketball, Golf, or Curling. Even Link, from The Legend of Zeldur is being thrown into the mix, with his innovative game, Link's Crossbow Training, which will be exactly like the minigame in Ocarina of Time, only with more innovation, as it will use light gun patented Wii sensor control technology that has yet to be used in any arcade game from the 90s. Even Resident Evil: Umbrella Chronicles will feature the amazing minigame rail-shooter technology just like in House of the Dead 2 for the Dreamcast, which was actually a better game that has never, ever been used before in the history of gaming.
Also, since everyone knows gamers aren't lard asses that sit on their butts all day long, Nintendo created the Wii Fit. This is a game where you get to tear your muscles and trip over your own feet on a crappy board that Nintendo made like the Tachikoma units from Ghost in the Shell - with far less firepower and more of that annoying 5-year old girl's voice, which is guaranteed to drive you to self-trepane with a power drill JUST to wipe it out of your brain. Unlike the real thing, however, the Wii Balance Board cannot lick Daddy's lollipop and you can't hit it when it throws a tantrum in public, thus resulting in a -1,000,000 deduction from its already low score of complete FAIL.
Best selling Wii games as of november 2008:[1]
- Wii Sports - MINIGAMES
- Wii Play - MINIGAMES
- Mario kart Wii - OMG! I LOVE MARIO!
- Wii fit - MINIGAMES
- Super Smash Bros. Brawl - Melee 1.5
- Super Mario Galaxy - MOAR FUCKING MARIO!!!!
- Mario Party 8 - MINIGAMES
- The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess - lol a Gamecube game
- Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games - MINIGAMES
- Link's Crossbow Training - MINIGAMES
- Super Paper Mario - MARIOOOOO
- Big Brain Academy: Wii Degree - MINIGAMES
- WarioWare: Smooth Moves - MICROGAMES
- Carnival Games - MORE POOPY MINIGAMES
[edit] Controller
The Wii uses a wireless controller with an analog stick attachment called the Nunchuck. Xbox and Playstation fanboys are jealous because the shape vaguely resembles a dildo which they would like to shove up their asses. The Wiimote/Nunchuck combination will revolutionize the gaming industry by giving the user new and innovative ways to play the next Mario, Metroid, and Kirby games, which are surprisingly similar to versions released 15 years ago. The controller is considered perfect for the average Nintendo fanboy, who is already used to grabbing a thin rod and shaking it for hours on end.
Overall, you are going to look like the biggest queer in the world when you play any Wii game with the motion controller, as evidenced here. Only a total idiot thinks this is better than the old way of playing games. Luckily, Nintendo could foresee that a majority of their games that didn't involve firing projectiles would probably be better off without da innovashun, and you can still plug in your superior Gamecube controller and put the Wii's motion sensors in the back of the closet along with your Power Glove. Red Steel is also a prime example of why Japan should NEVER be allowed to make another first-person shooter; seriously, stick to your cookie-cutter same-plot-every-time RPGs Japan. (Editor's Note: It should be noted that Red Steel was developed by UbiSoft Paris. Fucking French.)
[edit] Casual Gamers
Ironically, the legions of Nintendrones defending the Wii's honor and pointing out that it's become the best selling console of this generation is exactly the demographic that Nintendo is abandoning. At a London showcase of Nintendo's "Mind, Body and Console" press conference, Nintendo's UK head of marketing, Dawn Paine, expressed that the Wii was targeting more than "solitary anti-social teenagers," which is a nice way of describing fat, lonely, basement-dwelling gamers. Calling your devoted fan base a bunch of sad and pathetic losers? Clearly, nothing but good can come from this statement.
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...Paine's presentation outlined the ways in which gaming has been... 'a sad addiction that removes the player from reality'. A picture of a long-haired nerd, screaming as he gripped a control pad, appeared on the projection screen... populated by the phrases 'glazed over', 'isolated' and other negative terminology. Rather than debunk such perceptions, Nintendo simply suggested that it was courting a different audience... |
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—Edge Magazine, December 2007 |
E3 2008 further solidified the Casual Gamers as Nintendo's target audience. Promising that Nintendo would be "maximizing all of our key franchises," for the holiday season to appease "core gamers," rumors were afloat for a new Zelda game, a Kid Icarus remake, or something awesome and completely unexpected, exactly like how the Wii was kept secret up until E3 2006, when it stole the show. Something awesome was clearly going to happen, after all, Reggie Fils-Aime did say "there's gonna be a big game for the holiday that the gamers will want." The hype machine wound up flying too close to the sun and came crashing down in the most boring way imaginable. Reggie believes Animal Crossing is now totally hardcore, along with Wii Music which lets you button mash to play music without needing to pay attention to rhythm or even get a score, a new Raving Rabbids mini game collection, and Wii Sports 2 which lets you play Frisbee with a virtual dog, bound to be entertaining for hours on end. Wii users this holiday season will be celebrating when they find these must have titles under the Christmas tree next to their Play-Doh and Easy-Bake Ovens.
[edit] HAY GAIZ, FREE ONLINE PLAY! LOL JK!
Back in August of 2006, Reggie Fils-Aime, the lying faggot also known as the president and chief operating officer of Nintendo of America, made it publicly known that there would be no subscription or any kind of payment to play the Wii online[2]. Consumers would be able to enjoy free Wi-Fi (pronounced "whiffy") right out of the box, without being bothered by any failtastic monthly payments like Ecks Bawks Live.
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...plug it in and go. It won't have hidden fees or costs. |
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—Reggie Fils-Aime, SPOUTING HIS LIES |
At the 2008 Game Developers Conference in San Francisco, Nintendo introduced a much newer, more INNOVASHUN-ed form of online play known as "pay-to-play," which will force Wii owners to subscribe on a game-by-game basis for certain video games. Games with free online will still have the blue seal on the box reading "Nintendo Wi-Fi Connection" but games which Nintendo hopes will actually turn a profit will be adorned with a red seal which reads "Pay and Play". Ironically, this now means the Playstation 3 is the only current-generation console to offer no-strings-attached, completely free online play, which balances out its exorbitant price, and the general fact that the PS3 online service simply sucks, so you pick. This only proves that Nintendo would like you to think their company is run like a mom and pop store, when in truth, they're clever, scheming bastards who release shit hardware with INNAVASHUN and sell millions to morons.
[edit] Hold Your Wee For a Wii
If you're wondering just how dumb the Wii fanbase is, look no further than 28 year old Jennifer Strange of Sacramento, California. Jennifer was so dumb she accidentally killed herself with water intoxication in a radio contest. Yes, she managed to poison herself with an overdose of ordinary drinking water. In early January 2007, Radio station KDND 107.9 held a contest where people had to drink massive amounts of water, and whoever held it in the longest won a Nintendo Wii. My, the urine jokes never get old with the kiddies, do they? To speed the contest along, contestants had to consume more water after a specified amount of time. Why would this woman subject her bladder to such torture? For her three (now motherless) children, of course! The children will most likely be spending eternity rotting in hell for making their own mother kill herself because of their own selfish desires.
MSNBC said it, so it must be true: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16614865/
[edit] Wiijected names
Nintendo played around with a myriad of potential names for the console, before finally settling on "Wii". A partial list of these working titles follows:
- Revolution
- Nintendo RC
- Nintendo Lulz
- N5
- Nintendo Rev
- Gameparallelipiped
- Nintendo 180 (Scrapped when it was revealed that the new XBox had a number twice as big after its name)
- Powerglove revisited
- Wang, after the head of the controller design team.
- Wii: New Era of Revolution, abbreviated to WiiNER.
- Physical Nintendo Entertainment System, or PNES
- Vagina The name Wii was used instead for lack of puns
- Wheeeeee (way too gay for even the Nintendo market.)
- Wiigii
Head of Nintendo, Shigeru Miyamoto had this to say about his decision in the final naming of the console:
*****From encyclopediadramatica.com****
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...[We] just felt that the name "Wii" represented a sense of oneness among the gamers who would play with our console. The fact that it's pronounced the same as "We", W-E, is no accident. Most consoles, players are sort of isolated while they're playing. This console will change that. We wanted to give gamers something different, so the name had to be unique; distinct from those of other consoles on the market today. And really, what gamer doesn't want to sit at home and play with his Wii all day long? |
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—Shigeru Miyamoto |
