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Forums - General Discussion - A Depression Thread

VGPolyglot said:
I don't know how to tackle this question, because this is very sensitive, so please guys if it brings bad memories or is hurtful/dangerous to respond, please don't. However, I generally think about killing myself a few times a day. It's not serious; or rather, it's not something I seriously consider. But it is something that I'm like "I wonder what'd happen if I killed myself", and I try to imagine different ways of how it could be pulled off. Is that normal for you guys? Do you have passive suicidal thoughts too? I really hope I'm not crossing a line here by asking this.

I think I've had the same sort of things... Let me describe it, and you can tell me if it's similar to yours.

Now and then, I'll have thoughts about killing myself, but not like "life is so painful, I can't go on any more etc."

It's more along the lines of "Hey I wonder what it would like to be a football player".  Just kind of like a weird daydream with no really strong emotion behind it.

Anyway, once it started to happen more often (along with some other things), I began weening myself off antidepressants.  Not trying to knock antidepressants in general, but suicidal thoughts can be a side effect.  If I could have talked it over with my psychiatrist, I would have, but she's kind of shit (I'm seeing a new one soon) and when I mentioned being worried about side effects, she quickly through out the name of another antidepressant without even asking what the side effects were... so I thought I'd be better off not taking them till I had someone actually helping me monitor them.

Anyway, the thoughts have been decreasing in frequency since I stopped taking the meds (bupropion if you're curious) so it's definitely something to talk to your doctor about if you are on medication.



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I had a pretty depressing dream I guess, I'm trying to listen to Hyperdrive by Devin Townsend Project to soothe me.



VGPolyglot said:
I had a pretty depressing dream I guess, I'm trying to listen to Hyperdrive by Devin Townsend Project to soothe me.

Welp, I had a similar dream today, man I wonder what's with it and these dreams.



Errorist76 said:

I had this once, like 15 years ago, after trying to have a relationship with a borderliner girl. She had been abused as a child and I thought I saw much more in her, than she could herself, or anybody else. It ended in her trying to kill me, scratching my whole face, throat and biting my arms down to the bones. Yelling at me that I was responsible for what had happened to her, as a child. 

Broke my self-esteem, was depressed for almost 3 years until I had realised what had happened. Including suicidal thoughts, blaming myself for what had happened. I saw the devil that day.... still having problems maintaining relationships since then.

Just last year a good friend of mine commited suicide. He ran away from the mental hospital he was treated at and hanged himself at his parent's house. Just 2 days ago the best friend of one my buddies did. Jumped in front of a train. You won't believe how devastated my buddy is...It's incredibly selfish and deestructive for anybody who just mildly cares for you, impacting their whole life. 

After having overcome all that and a severe addiction lately, being incredibly happy that I'm still alive, I can understand thoughts like that to an extent, but despise them these days for obvious reasons. 

One important step for me was to realise that I'm a hyper sensitive person. I always react very emotionally to things, positive or negative, which lead to myself feeling I was different than everybody else. Expressing all that through music and art helped me a lot and especially meeting or reading about other people who have the same struggles with our society. Made me understand that I was not that different at all since around 10% of humanity share this problem/gift.

Sounds hard. I hope you don´t let the past define your future.

I wanted to write something on this thread, but now I don´t know what to write. I´m feeling anxious and find difficult to do anything. Crappety crabby. I don´t want to just wait this feeling to stop, I will just try to do something :/



So guys, I re-started therapy today, after a few months of waiting. Not much happened today, just set things up for the future really, but it's a start.



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VGPolyglot said:
So guys, I re-started therapy today, after a few months of waiting. Not much happened today, just set things up for the future really, but it's a start.

Tell us how it goes, I hope it goes well. One day I actually did attempt therapy, but I ended up on the upswing before I actually got to meet with anyone.

My issues in the spoiler:

I have been a bit depressed lately myself for many factors.

1. Withdrawal- I have addictive behaviors and I recently gave up many of them recently to focus on classes.

2. Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)- This winter has been extra long and stupid, hopefully the 60 degrees for wednesday hold up.

3. End of college- I will be graduating and be stressed out soon trying to find a job. No longer will I get to talk to my classmates really.



VGPolyglot said:
So guys, I re-started therapy today, after a few months of waiting. Not much happened today, just set things up for the future really, but it's a start.

I hope it works for you this time. Try to be consistent with it and go there and remember to be honest. Hopefully you will learn something about yourself and change your line of thought for the better. Don´t expect miracles to happen. I went to therapy for a year and my condition didn´t improve much. It pretty much remained the same (bad). I still continued and during the second year I felt that it really helped me. So it might take some time. I don´t think that I could have improved as much as I have, if I would have stopped it after the first year.

Asking the right guestions from yourself and realizing the issues that you have and the problems in your thought process can be easier in therapy.