This is going to be a long read, but for those who are tl;dr, basically, I'm sorry. But for those continuing, hi! Keep in mind these my opinions are mine and mine alone. You'll probably find out a few things you didn't know about me a long the way!
If you're reading this, you probably know who I am. I'm StarOcean, former mod, known for locking threads and adding recipes to them and later falling off a cliff and turning into the worst person who posts in the topic I oh-so-hate, politics. This fall from grace came for a variety of reasons, outside the forum and here as well. But before we get to why things went bad, lets add some context to everything.
This thread was a long time coming, I kind of randomly decided today was when I should do this. But the past 6-10 months I had slowly been becoming more jaded. And I have been repeatedly been compared to former user and mod, Tachikoma (whom you can find her last thread here: http://gamrconnect.vgchartz.com/thread.php?id=210214&page=) and I saw it too. Becoming more aggressive, and caring less and less about how I was percieved by my peers and those I helped in the community. I feel as though that's important. Not to end that way. So after an exchange I had with a mod and friend, RavenXtra, I realized I have gone pretty far deep in this jadedness. Too far.
Where did it all go wrong? Well for a while I had little issue. I was a mod people knew and were aware of. I had occasional hiccups here and there but people generally speaking, liked me. I worked to ensure people always had a say before they were moderated or what have you. Now, this didn't always mesh well with the mod team but nothing serious. And I was for the most part very active. Well then I did something very stupid. I decided, outside of the site, to make my life ten times harder by moving out of my parents house and moving across the country to be with the person I love. I was naive, and unprepared because I gave myself 9 months to prep for this move and then decided to only give myself less than 2.
Of course by this point the politics on the site were in full swing as well. Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were eating up the majority of the space in popular topics, and it was a blood bath of people relentlessly attacking each other. Being part of the mod team at the time, I, and my fellow moderators greatly disliked the political topics. They were annoying, and had way more bans than any other topic type. And most of all no one wanted to deal with them. And why would you? One minute you're called a "libtard" and the next you're called a "nazi". Whichever side you modded, you were going to get name called. And believe me, I was called pretty much everything in the book by the time the election had ended. But by the end of the election it was too late. The political threads had dragged me through the mud and back. I decided to focus on the political threads due to my "no party" stance, but that turned slowly into a hatred for politics and my campaign against the thread type started.
After enough people attacking the other mods and I, and banning so many people over the same offenses, I vouched for politics to be banned. Of course, as you are probably aware, the answer to that was 'no', so I took it upon myself to try to get it banned by showing the absolute worst of the political shit postes and making my own. You see, a major gap in the rules is that politics allows many users to practically get away with murder and I was trying to prove that to my fellow mods by posting vulgar and distasteful things. They remained unphased but perhaps started to think less of me for it. However, my jaded persona eventually became a real one and I eventually did become someone as bad, if not worse, than the way I had been talked to during the election threads.
This was not my first time annoying people on the site though. Back before the Switch was announced, the NX days *shudders*, I, with the approval of the head mods, banned NX threads and made a large one. That lasted 2 months before I lifted it in December 2015 (I later regretted that). But that is just a minor side note.
On the real life end of things I was juggling too many things at once, between Dec-July I:
-Moved 2,000 miles away from home, my longest being away from family prior to this was a week
-Found an apartment within short notice (took 9 different complexes to get one)
-Got a car (http://gamrconnect.vgchartz.com/thread.php?id=225867&page=1)
-Started my night job that would eventually start the Star at the Bar thread series (http://gamrconnect.vgchartz.com/thread.php?id=226525&page=1)
-Got a second job because life is expensive
-Got a dachshund for company at my new home
-Lost the first job and quickly had to find a new one which I acquired in late May
-Got a beagle to keep my dachshund company cause I work 60hrs a week (an improvement from my initial 80)
On top of a few mental break downs for not knowing what I was doing and my dog eating my laptop charger (which left me without a charger for 4 months) I got very angry outside of the site. When I wasn't at work I was trying to keep my social, school, and family life together, and boy did that fail XD
Of course these factors do not excuse my behavior, but they did cause me to vent on the site more than I should have. Attacking those who did not deserve to be attacked. Having me act out as a way to de-stress from the world. This worked in the sense in real life I acted more put together. But when other things came up I eventually would just crack and people noticed things weren't right there either.
So what came of this anger? I lashed out at the political spectrum because I dislike Donald Trump. This isn't from a left or right perspective but rather from a personal and value one. Of course, I'm not going to bother with hard details here but I will say his disregard for the environment and treatment of people with disabilities (see him making fun of special needs people) while I work for the mentally and physically disabled and have a passion for the environment -has made him an easy target to vent at. Which, in all honestly, makes me no better than him. Which is a sad thing to look at in the mirror.
This venting and lack of care for what I said eventually led me into trouble with the head mods who did dismiss me from being a moderator after months of bad behavior. Really though, I should have been let go sooner than I was. I'm sure they were hoping I would change, but I didn't. And for that I did receive what I deserved. Part of me misses being a moderator, but I also know that at least right now, things are too hectic personally for me to perform optimally. And I am thankful for those who have kept me in line, and while I will not name them here, they know who they are. Thank you.
You know, it's funny. Part of what motivated me becoming a mod in the first place was me wanting to analyze the users here and see how they work and understand how everyone here fits together -but in the end it looks more like a self-destruction demonstration from my end.
Part of what has made changing myself kinda hard has been I very much associate my username with the shitty things I've said now. And I believe others also see it that way. And with my anger issues and nothing being worked out on them, I know that I would be prone to lashing out again. And I don't really want that. I wouldn't say I am burnt out as I am saying I've got too much to burn at the moment. I need to figure things out for myself.
That all being said, I am taking a break from the site. Didn't really need to be a thread but, whatever. I made it so, whatevs. If we can have a thread about introductions we can have ones for departures, no matter how long they may be. Of course, I do not intend to disappear forever, perhaps I'll come back in a couple months when my life is figured out, but I am here to say sorry to the community and those whom I personally offended or hurt. I'm not asking for forgiveness, but just know that I am aware of what I have done and am taking steps to correct mistakes and walk on a better path.
Farewell for now!
