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I'm writing a book. Anyone want to read what I have?

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Ouroboros24 said:

A man searching at a drift in a space not his space, inside his mighty vessel the Star Ship.  A powerful man, a demigod of science.  Old, very old, and older still.  Though he does not look his age.  At the apex of what living things may strive for one day.  He wants for nothing; food, water, air, all ancient needs for him and his expiration date is unlimited.  The only thing he wants is what he's been looking for all these years.

I have trouble understanding the character. So he is very old and a scientist in space, that makes me recall Einstein or goofy Farnsworth from Futurama. On the other hand he is a rugged powerful man doing space adventure like a space marine and I can't reconcile these two images.



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think-man said:
VitroBahllee said:

I know. If he wants to establish that the main character is so powerful early on, he has to earn it. Telling us how awesome he is in unreadable sentences is just not going to work. Especially for a first page, where people are going to give up if they don't like what they see. Notice he asks for advice, but then argues with anyone who tells him what's not working. He doesn't want advice, he wants adulation: the same way he doesn't want to learn to write well, he wants to be praised for having written a book. There's a million (or more) people like this with half a bad book after seven years of writing and they all want us to tell them their unreadable, convoluted sentences are "special." If he really wanted to write, he'd take my two posts here as the biggest help to his cause anyone has given him, but he'll probably report me instead.

You haven't been reported, but don't talk such nonsence. Don't go making assumptions about the OP, if you have something to say then do so in a less hostile way. 

Okay. I'm a published author who has sold thousands of books. Unfortunately, based on what the OP has posted, he has a lot to learn. Additionally, based on his responses to criticism, he seems unlikely to learn it anytime soon. Hopefully someone will give you an intervention in an unmoderated environment that you'll actually listen to and you can begin down the path of learning how to create resonant work that will be as thrilling and delighting for your readers as it is for you to think about and write down. You obviously have some desire to tell a story, but you need to make sure the grand ideas in your head are being transmitted to your readers' imaginations, and this kind of prose does not do that. Hope this seems like a friendlier way of saying that.



VitroBahllee said:
think-man said:

You haven't been reported, but don't talk such nonsence. Don't go making assumptions about the OP, if you have something to say then do so in a less hostile way. 

Okay. I'm a published author who has sold thousands of books. Unfortunately, based on what the OP has posted, he has a lot to learn. Additionally, based on his responses to criticism, he seems unlikely to learn it anytime soon. Hopefully someone will give you an intervention in an unmoderated environment that you'll actually listen to and you can begin down the path of learning how to create resonant work that will be as thrilling and delighting for your readers as it is for you to think about and write down. You obviously have some desire to tell a story, but you need to make sure the grand ideas in your head are being transmitted to your readers' imaginations, and this kind of prose does not do that. Hope this seems like a friendlier way of saying that.

haha, no, I thank you.  I really do want the help.  It helps me to see things that I'm blinded to.  Really, I'm in a thought chamber, myself and what I think of what I wrote so far.  Reading genuine thoughts and criticism helps me in the proccess.  And no, I'm not writing this just becuase I want to brag.  I want my workk out there some day and this is a push in the right direction.  Truly, I have the whole story in my head, I just can't get it to come out the way I think it should. 

I notice you're an actual published author.  Wow.  I'd like to be your friend.  Listen, I'm probably not as talented as you, and I bow to your accomplishments, but please understand I'm trying.  If you have anything to say, or if you can give me a piece that you wrote, I'll buy it and see how I can get to a higher level.  I understand there are people out there just to say they wrote a book, but I want to succeed.  I would hope you read what I have and really give it to me.  I have all the time in the world and I can try to sharpen myself in this effort. 



numberwang said:
Ouroboros24 said:

A man searching at a drift in a space not his space, inside his mighty vessel the Star Ship.  A powerful man, a demigod of science.  Old, very old, and older still.  Though he does not look his age.  At the apex of what living things may strive for one day.  He wants for nothing; food, water, air, all ancient needs for him and his expiration date is unlimited.  The only thing he wants is what he's been looking for all these years.

I have trouble understanding the character. So he is very old and a scientist in space, that makes me recall Einstein or goofy Farnsworth from Futurama. On the other hand he is a rugged powerful man doing space adventure like a space marine and I can't reconcile these two images.

I can't blame you if you can't understand my vision for this man.  Its likely I wasn't able to communicate that properly.  Mainly the reason for why this thread exists.  I need help in writing it.

The character is was a scientist.  Before that, he was just a nobody.  Then, something in the past changed him, through science.  He gained unlimited life, not immortality he can still die.  He's old, but he does not exist in a body, he exist in a spiritual form that can manifest whatever he seems fit to show those he wants to show.  He can manifest a body, anything.  Whatever God can do, he does it through science.  He's not from the universe where we exist, he belongs in a universe nothing related to our universe.  In this scene, he is not even in his universe.  He's in a space from another universe.  As for the thing he's looking for, well it's no longer in the universe he lived in.  Whatever he's looking for, its going to take a hell of a long time for him to find.  Worst than looking for a needle in a haystack.  It's more like he's looking for a needle, in the ocean, somewhere in this universe, but he has no idea where to look, simply he continues to look because he's not going to stop.  The story is that he has found a clue in the form of Upun Tambor, a humanoid from a random planet he's found.  The only problem is, the scientist has to compare the clue to a very massive collection of data to verify that he was correct.  As the Scientist tries to confirm, He and his captive are going to speak and tell stories of his findings as he treks the multiverse searching for the answer.

Hope that helps.  If it doesn't, I'll try again.  Because I am serious about this.  Not a vanity project.



It feels I am reading an over-complicated and tedious scientific or philosophical essay poorly disguised as a story. Sorry to put it that bluntly OP, but that's how it felt to me. Sometimes - not on every chapter, mind you - it's like I'm reading Atlas Shrugged, except written by the point of view of an overpowered Rick, the scientist from Rick and Morty.

Besides, beings of extreme power rarely make for interesting characters, specially one with little to no bounds such as your main character. Even silver age Superman managed to keep himself somewhat interesting because he had a clear moral code, people he cared about, and, of course, his equals to oppose him.

Edit - I don't like being prospective instead of descriptive, but I would consider to make any science fiction or fantasy work more down to Earth on scope.  Nothing relevant is hardly ever lost on a lower scale, and the power of the story, and the concepts or messages it may try to convey, do remain the same, or are even improved.



 

 

 

 

 

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Only read ten pages or so.  Might read more, might not.  Not because I don't want to, but because I have a backlog of books already.  But early impressions.

Something I'm noticing right away is the sentence structure.  You use the same structure a lot which is kind of like this.

"Fluctuating between there and not there, always in flux of presence in a system, but ultimately never leaving a trail of existence as if smoke and dissipation of smoke."

Like this.

"Long preposition, expansion, but/yet contradicting statement."

 

There is nothing wrong with that exactly, but you use it a lot.  It can make the writing feel monotonous.  Vary it up.  It's ok to sometimes use a long winding sentence with multiple subordinate clauses and adjectives.  Then a short punchy one.  Then a balance between the two.  If you don't vary the cadence, eyes will glaze over.

Imagine you're reading the book out loud to an audience.  Better yet, if you can, read it to an actual person.  You'll get a better sense of how it flows.

 

 

Another thing is you're doing a lot of telling.  Not a lot of showing.  For example, to explain his abilities, you're mentioning how if he wanted a cup of tea, a cup of tea would appear... Why not just have him actually conjure up a cup of tea?  The story is going to be more engaging if we actually see the character doing stuff, not just hearing about how he can do stuff. 

Think about these two sentences...

"Goku had the capacity to fire beams of energy from his hand.  He had the capacity to gather his life energy through his hands and channel it out as a concussive beam of force."

"Goku thrusted his hands forward and a blinding beam of energy ripped through the air towards Frieza."

Which one is more interesting?

 

You have Upon, so I'd use him as a ride along character.  Tell us things about Berlain from his perspective.  That doesn't necessarily have to be first person but use sense words.  Action words.  You do that sometimes.  Do it more.

Think of how you can use words economically.  For example   "The smell, he smelled the tone of disinfectant.  Just that, without the odor of a room that smelled of frilly of lavander or peaches or lemon.  It was just the smell of a sterile, clean, of an empty room filled only with oxygen, and nothing else, no pathogens, no dead skin, or minerals, just a vapid emptiness of space."

First of, the beginnings of the first three sentences (The smell, Just that, It was just the smell) are junk words.  By that, I mean they just don't add anything to the sentence.  Consider instead...

"He smelled the tone of disinfectant, without the odor of a room that smelled of frilly of lavander or peaches or lemon.  The smell of a sterile, clean, of an empty room filled only with oxygen, and nothing else, no pathogens, no dead skin, or minerals, just a vapid emptiness of space."

A bit shorter already, and the meaning doesn't change at all.  And then you could probably shorten it more.
"He smelled nothing but disinfectant.  No frilly lavender or peach or lemon.  Just an empty room filled only with oxygen and the vapid emptiness of space."
Still, really not much information lost (and saying you didn't smell pathogens sounds a bit weird at any rate... not something I'd expect to smell, unless you have some specific pathogen in mind).
And again, I'd try to use more action based words.  If I were writing it (which I'm not since fiction writing is not my forte).
"The harsh smell of disinfectant filled his nostrils.  There was no lavender or lemon scent to soften the sting of the ammonia.  In fact, there were no comforting smells of any kind.  Just disinfectant, oxygen, and the vapid emptiness of space."
Of course that's just me.
The good thing is I am interested in finding out what this guys deal is, and why he's doing what he's doing.  That being said, my interest is waning by the page.  I get that you're trying to establish a mystery, and you're succeeding to an extent.  But I have no real investment.  My interest was piqued in the first few pages, but by page ten I just kind of want to get on with it.
A couple of things to keep in mind.  I know I (and a lot of others) are giving a lot of criticism, but that's the way these things go.  Anything like this is going to require tons of rewrites.

It's also going to take a ton of rejection.  Keep in mind, Stephen King was going to give up until his wife pulled Carrie out of the trashbin after repeated rejection.  Harry Potter was rejected by I think 5 or 9 different publishers.  So, keep on going, and good luck.
VitroBahllee said:
think-man said:

You haven't been reported, but don't talk such nonsence. Don't go making assumptions about the OP, if you have something to say then do so in a less hostile way. 

Okay. I'm a published author who has sold thousands of books. Unfortunately, based on what the OP has posted, he has a lot to learn. Additionally, based on his responses to criticism, he seems unlikely to learn it anytime soon. Hopefully someone will give you an intervention in an unmoderated environment that you'll actually listen to and you can begin down the path of learning how to create resonant work that will be as thrilling and delighting for your readers as it is for you to think about and write down. You obviously have some desire to tell a story, but you need to make sure the grand ideas in your head are being transmitted to your readers' imaginations, and this kind of prose does not do that. Hope this seems like a friendlier way of saying that.

The problem is that you're not really commenting on his work.  You're commenting on his personality and motivation, and that's really not called for.  You're not talking about what he wrote, you're making speculation about what he enjoys writing, and what his motivation is.  Your original post (and this one to a large extent) are really just talking about him as an author and a person, although this post is at least less caustic.

There's really no reason to be talking about anything beyond the actual text.  And if you think he's not going to listen, then the best thing to do would probably just be to say nothing.



haxxiy said:

It feels I am reading an over-complicated and tedious scientific or philosophical essay poorly disguised as a story. Sorry to put it that bluntly OP, but that's how it felt to me. Sometimes - not on every chapter, mind you - it's like I'm reading Atlas Shrugged, except written by the point of view of an overpowered Rick, the scientist from Rick and Morty.

Besides, beings of extreme power rarely make for interesting characters, specially one with little to no bounds such as your main character. Even silver age Superman managed to keep himself somewhat interesting because he had a clear moral code, people he cared about, and, of course, his equals to oppose him.

Edit - I don't like being prospective instead of descriptive, but I would consider to make any science fiction or fantasy work more down to Earth on scope.  Nothing relevant is hardly ever lost on a lower scale, and the power of the story, and the concepts or messages it may try to convey, do remain the same, or are even improved.

Thanks for the review.  I agree with everything you said, certainly tedious and complicated.  As for poorly disguised as a story, yeah probably, working on it.  Philosophical, what else would a demigod talk to a commoner about.   The science and philosophy is not something I'm trying to spread or push on anyone, I just think a Demigod  is suppose to act this way.  Especially a demigod who was once one of us.  If he has lived over a million years, I would believe that he's already done anything and everything.  He's bored.  Yeah, more or less Rick.  But Rick was never trully looking for anything important.  Importance to Rick seems like being a pansey in the face of life and why it's important to be Schwfity.  Rick was always just trying to keep not bored.  As for Von Berlain, he cannot forsake his promise he's kept for so long.   No matter how jaded he becomes.

Characters who are extremely overpowered rarely do make for interesting characters.  That's the reaosn why Batman stories are more interesting than superman.  It has a lot to do with being able to relate with the character, because what do we have in common with God?  But that's the challenge, isn't it.  Von Berlain is the main character so it's my job now to make him not relatable, but to be looked upon as an antagonist who controls everything.  Upun Tambor is the relatable one. 

Down to Earth can't happen in this book.  It's probably why it's so hard for me to finish.  Nothing is related to our universe in this story.  Everything is suppose to be alien.  I know one of the most fundamental things to do when writing a book is make it relatable, but I'm straying away from that.  I'm trying something new.  It's full of exposition and the supposed fun to be had for reading this is exposition.  Like readying about Black holes or doppelgangers.  Story is important, I understand that, but I'd like to make a book where it doesn't have to be relatable.

I don't want to make it sound like I'm defending my work because I never wanted to be the kind of writer who was butthurt because someone said anything negative.  I guess I'm giving myself this one time to explain myself.  I really do thank you for your input.  I'm gonna be thinking about your post all day at work tomorrow.  In the long run, you really are doing me a favor, so thanks again. 

Also, could you tell me how far you went into the story.  That way I can a t least gauge where you're coming from.



JWeinCom said:

Only read ten pages or so.  Might read more, might not.  Not because I don't want to, but because I have a backlog of books already.  But early impressions.

Something I'm noticing right away is the sentence structure.  You use the same structure a lot which is kind of like this.

"Fluctuating between there and not there, always in flux of presence in a system, but ultimately never leaving a trail of existence as if smoke and dissipation of smoke."

Like this.

"Long preposition, expansion, but/yet contradicting statement."

 

There is nothing wrong with that exactly, but you use it a lot.  It can make the writing feel monotonous.  Vary it up.  It's ok to sometimes use a long winding sentence with multiple subordinate clauses and adjectives.  Then a short punchy one.  Then a balance between the two.  If you don't vary the cadence, eyes will glaze over.

Imagine you're reading the book out loud to an audience.  Better yet, if you can, read it to an actual person.  You'll get a better sense of how it flows.

 

 

Another thing is you're doing a lot of telling.  Not a lot of showing.  For example, to explain his abilities, you're mentioning how if he wanted a cup of tea, a cup of tea would appear... Why not just have him actually conjure up a cup of tea?  The story is going to be more engaging if we actually see the character doing stuff, not just hearing about how he can do stuff. 

Think about these two sentences...

"Goku had the capacity to fire beams of energy from his hand.  He had the capacity to gather his life energy through his hands and channel it out as a concussive beam of force."

"Goku thrusted his hands forward and a blinding beam of energy ripped through the air towards Frieza."

Which one is more interesting?

 

You have Upon, so I'd use him as a ride along character.  Tell us things about Berlain from his perspective.  That doesn't necessarily have to be first person but use sense words.  Action words.  You do that sometimes.  Do it more.

Think of how you can use words economically.  For example   "The smell, he smelled the tone of disinfectant.  Just that, without the odor of a room that smelled of frilly of lavander or peaches or lemon.  It was just the smell of a sterile, clean, of an empty room filled only with oxygen, and nothing else, no pathogens, no dead skin, or minerals, just a vapid emptiness of space."

First of, the beginnings of the first three sentences (The smell, Just that, It was just the smell) are junk words.  By that, I mean they just don't add anything to the sentence.  Consider instead...

"He smelled the tone of disinfectant, without the odor of a room that smelled of frilly of lavander or peaches or lemon.  The smell of a sterile, clean, of an empty room filled only with oxygen, and nothing else, no pathogens, no dead skin, or minerals, just a vapid emptiness of space."

A bit shorter already, and the meaning doesn't change at all.  And then you could probably shorten it more.
"He smelled nothing but disinfectant.  No frilly lavender or peach or lemon.  Just an empty room filled only with oxygen and the vapid emptiness of space."
Still, really not much information lost (and saying you didn't smell pathogens sounds a bit weird at any rate... not something I'd expect to smell, unless you have some specific pathogen in mind).
And again, I'd try to use more action based words.  If I were writing it (which I'm not since fiction writing is not my forte).
"The harsh smell of disinfectant filled his nostrils.  There was no lavender or lemon scent to soften the sting of the ammonia.  In fact, there were no comforting smells of any kind.  Just disinfectant, oxygen, and the vapid emptiness of space."
Of course that's just me.
The good thing is I am interested in finding out what this guys deal is, and why he's doing what he's doing.  That being said, my interest is waning by the page.  I get that you're trying to establish a mystery, and you're succeeding to an extent.  But I have no real investment.  My interest was piqued in the first few pages, but by page ten I just kind of want to get on with it.
A couple of things to keep in mind.  I know I (and a lot of others) are giving a lot of criticism, but that's the way these things go.  Anything like this is going to require tons of rewrites.

It's also going to take a ton of rejection.  Keep in mind, Stephen King was going to give up until his wife pulled Carrie out of the trashbin after repeated rejection.  Harry Potter was rejected by I think 5 or 9 different publishers.  So, keep on going, and good luck.
VitroBahllee said:

Okay. I'm a published author who has sold thousands of books. Unfortunately, based on what the OP has posted, he has a lot to learn. Additionally, based on his responses to criticism, he seems unlikely to learn it anytime soon. Hopefully someone will give you an intervention in an unmoderated environment that you'll actually listen to and you can begin down the path of learning how to create resonant work that will be as thrilling and delighting for your readers as it is for you to think about and write down. You obviously have some desire to tell a story, but you need to make sure the grand ideas in your head are being transmitted to your readers' imaginations, and this kind of prose does not do that. Hope this seems like a friendlier way of saying that.

The problem is that you're not really commenting on his work.  You're commenting on his personality and motivation, and that's really not called for.  You're not talking about what he wrote, you're making speculation about what he enjoys writing, and what his motivation is.  Your original post (and this one to a large extent) are really just talking about him as an author and a person, although this post is at least less caustic.

There's really no reason to be talking about anything beyond the actual text.  And if you think he's not going to listen, then the best thing to do would probably just be to say nothing.

This is exactly what I need to know. 



Not trying to be offensive but I would say you need to go take some writing courses, their may be a good story in their but the prose is way to over complicated and makes the reader work way to hard to understand. I have to write a lot of white papers as well as review a lot and one of things we always do is send everyone to writing lessons so they learn how too write for their audience not for themselves.



Ouroboros24 said:
Porcupine_I said:

The thing is, why would I care for the answer if I don't even know the question?

You're right.  But hey, if you're still interested, just ask.

The thing is, your protagonist knows what he is looking for, and your readers know that he knows. So you spend the whole book writing around it until the end?



“It appeared that there had even been demonstrations to thank Big Brother for raising the chocolate ration to twenty grams a week. And only yesterday, he reflected, it had been announced that the ration was to be reduced to twenty grams a week. Was it possible that they could swallow that, after only twenty-four hours? Yes, they swallowed it.”

- George Orwell, ‘1984’