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Forums - General Discussion - Wrote a poem about Iraq invasion...thoughts?

hershel_layton on 06 February 2016

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-X6LKZ9ATixJjEF2qE0SZ6fvDkQuV_q2q7zmzuME-Uk/edit?usp=sharing 

I write sometimes during my free time. I decided to write a poem about 9/11 and the Iraq Invasion for one of my classes. 

It took me a while(mainly due to each line rhyming), but I found myself quite impressed with the results. I thought I'd share this online and see more people's thoughts on it.



 

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12/22/2016- Made a bet with Ganoncrotch that the first 6 months of 2017 will be worse than 2016. A poll will be made to determine the winner. Loser has to take a picture of them imitating their profile picture.

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hershel_layton on 06 February 2016
spurgeonryan said:
Well done and lots of content!

Fun deployment though, even in the worst area we had pools and lobster.

Thanks man.



 

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12/22/2016- Made a bet with Ganoncrotch that the first 6 months of 2017 will be worse than 2016. A poll will be made to determine the winner. Loser has to take a picture of them imitating their profile picture.

haxxiy on 06 February 2016

Nice work, though a few lines are a bit too long. Syllable count throughout the poem was as low as 10 but about 13-15 on average, which is long already; but some went up to near 20, which lacks a tiny little bit in fluidity and comes closer to prose than poetry.

Though I know way more about the standards of poetry on romance languages rather than in English, so yeah, make of that as you will.




 

 

 

 

 

kooltrex on 06 February 2016

Very good.



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GribbleGrunger on 06 February 2016

Not a bad poem, though it could be much tighter
I think you can do it cos you're quite a good writer
Craft it and draft it, don't stop til it shines
And don't let the wrong word dictate how it rhymes.



 

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avrwc2 on 06 February 2016

In the immortal words of Ozzie:

Now in darkness world stops turning, 
Ashes where the bodies burning.
No more war pigs have the power, 
Hand of God has struck the hour.
Day of judgement God is calling, 
On their knees the war pig's crawling.
Begging mercy for their sins, 
Satan laughing spreads his wings.



hershel_layton on 07 February 2016
haxxiy said:

Nice work, though a few lines are a bit too long. Syllable count throughout the poem was as low as 10 but about 13-15 on average, which is long already; but some went up to near 20, which lacks a tiny little bit in fluidity and comes closer to prose than poetry.

Though I know way more about the standards of poetry on romance languages rather than in English, so yeah, make of that as you will.

Thanks for the advice.

 

I'm probably gonna keep tweaking it. Gonna take a shot at a contest for it.



 

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12/22/2016- Made a bet with Ganoncrotch that the first 6 months of 2017 will be worse than 2016. A poll will be made to determine the winner. Loser has to take a picture of them imitating their profile picture.