Hello Everyone. I know that this is probably not the right place to share the following and ask for feedback, but. I've been on and off of this community in the past and I felt it would be better to ask in a place that I am more familiar with. My apologies in advance.
In class we are working on plot scripting, it is not a film making class by any means. Now I was wondering if anyone would be kind enough to give some feedback on my own. The short film is supposed to be 45 seconds and made on Source Film Maker. There is no need to tell me that "the dialogue sucks". I am aware of that. The boy is 11 and that is not the point of the story. The story is conceived from metaphors and symbolism in concept of the world around him. To foreshadow the depressing out come.
In other-words the theme of the story is a boy being unaware of the situation of his reality. He is unconscious in the real world, but in his mind. He is alive. His surroundings is a part of his subconscious. ie. Lilly get's hit by a car but in reality it was Miles who was in a car accident a week ago. His subconscious replays the events in his head from a third person point of view. He gets headaches because in reality he has an occurring "head injury" so to speak. In the end he closes his eyes to embrace unconsciously embrace reality as he "lets go" and come to terms with the reality with life fading and death embracing.
The reason I ask this is because my teacher says there's no theme, moral, or pay off. I strongly disagree because the theme is stated above, and the payoff is in no way meant to be happy or beneficial. A bad accident for an 11 year old boy would likely result in death after sustaining injuries that lead to a bleeding brain. The pay off is realistic and is to simly "let go". The story takes place in his mind like a dream. As for the moral of the story. Perhaps he is right. I do not believe that every story needs a moral, but needs an effect and reaction. There are plenty of films that do this. I also feel what is being taught goes against what I have learned in my English and drama courses.
So what I am asking is the following:
- How does this considerably short story make you feel?
- Could you relate? Did you feel sorry for the boy, element of surprise, shock, or any emotion?
- Were the metaphors and symbolism clear? (this is hard when it's scripted and not in film)
- Do you feel the theme was sufficient and the "pay off"so to speak, felt "real"?
- Do you feel that 45 seconds is far too short to create a connection between the viewer and Miles to build up to the conclusion and contain a sense of impact? (Understandable if this is the case)
Don't worry. There is always room for rewrites and/or creating a new story. Feel free to tear it apart. I encourage this.Making a 45 second clip is tougher than it sounds and I'm more adjusted to a full course meal or short story. So any help is truly grateful and appreciated. If it sucks, please state why and I'll get back to work. ;)