My dearest welcome to a brand new segment of reviews. A hearty handshake is in order but unfortunately, I'm not allowed out of my cell. Instead I will simply wait patiently as I put my hand to the screen and hope for high-fives from my fellow, completely sane, compatriots
I've been wanting to make reviews for a while now and I finally have access to a computer for 5 minutes a day, so I will be frantically transcribing everything from the toilet paper diary I've been keeping under the mattress. Well, then clock is ticking, so let's get started.
Binding of Isaac (and BoI: Rebirth though I haven't played it, just pretend like this review works for it as well)
Binding of Isaac is complicated to describe. It's indie, so the graphics aren't great, but it's hand drawn so that may or may not be prefereable, subjectively. To me, It's basically a rip-off of the original zelda dengeons. dunguns? dongeons...? After looking up the word online, I see the correct spelling is oubliette. Back to the point, Isaac is zelda's oubliettes on a very potent and virile stimulant. But for people who are unaware of that godawful game from 25 years ago, I'll try to detail that a bit.
Each level is a randomly generated system of rooms connected by doors at the screen edges. Your viewpoint is from above, which helps you to dodge enemies and bullets and move around good. Floors are made up of enemy rooms, a special item room, a shop, and a boss monster. There are also walls you can bomb to access secret areas but they're never highlighted in any way, so you kind of have to guess or get an item that kindly raises a "put a bomb here" sign on the map. More likely than not, you won't get that item though, as there are hundreds of them that are all randomly assigned to each game you start.
Some games will go better than others... Anyway, these items affect you in various ways, but I can't really detail how since there's no damn manual to tell you what they do. You just kind of have to figure it out on your own. Now that I think about it, there's a lot of things you have to figure out which can be really annoying if you only have a computer for 5 minutes a day and then have to remember what symbols mean what and what they do. After a hundred games, I still don't know what the cursed skull does and I refuse to ask someone online lest I get tricked into giving away my social security number like last time. Never again, "kaoskid452".
Sorry for the rant, times running out. Ok, there are initially 5 floors, which then grow to 7 after you do something, and then 8 as you unlock more and more content through paid dlc doing other stuff. You may also unlock up to 6 additional characters to navigate through the corridors of moms uterus. Wait. No, that's right, there's a uterus. I know it sounds weird but it's part of the overall theme and story which is basically non-existant except for little vignettes of Isaac taking beatings from bullies, crying, getting coal on christmas, or hit by his overbearing mother, etc etc. One of those things might be wrong as it's possible my own childhood memories are interfering, but nonetheless, it's not really like the game needs a story. The 3-5 second clips are a nice touch for adding character to the game itself, which encompases a very well thought out theme of items, levels and enemies.
The game is really fun. There's a lot of mystery and excitement and half the time you're just hoping you get some damage upgrade or speed bonus to compensate for how poor you are at the game itself. It's also extremely difficult. It took 10 games just to get out of the starting room, but after some experience, I can generally beat the whole thing on a good day, which is very gratifying. Also the music is really charming I suppose.
I suppose this is the part where I rate the game, so I'll goo witthhhhh 15 back handsprings on the floormat.
Anyway, you should buy this game. It's very cheap, and worth every penny.
Thanks again for reading, see you next time.
