How did I miss this, Tagged.

I would not mind a thread similar to this one with the backstory of your sci fi game.

seconded, but he said he want to keep it a secret for now.

Blunt and harsh, as it should be. You do talk yourself up too much, though.

Didn't read that. There was a lot of dialogue in his thread and it's hard to follow so I skipped some of it.

It's so funny to me, all the sci fi everyone writes is the (so-called) space opera kind. Mine is set in present day with a single character that makes an invention and that's it. And it's not thaaaat big of an invention. The story doesn't focus on it at all - more about the political power struggle that ensues when the character attempts to use his new technology in the way he sees best.

In any case, the space opera genre is full of a lot of different stuff. Careful not to tread on anyone's toes!

Thanks. I'll change that straight away. People don't like that obviously.

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Thematics

You are writing a science fiction story. The problem with what I read was that there really is almost nothing about your story (so far) that validates a sci fi setting. What I mean is; You could have replaced the vehicle the characters are flying in for a normal 1990s motorcar and then it would've come across as, perhaps, a Mafia story. 

You didn't set the scene at all. Where are we? What is the situation? There isn't really anything interesting about the world you are creating yet - and for a prologue in a sci fi story this is absolutely crucial. 

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True. I think the way I write is a bit more Noir-ish

That's actually intentional. I didn't want to give much background info on what exactly happening.

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Characterisation

The characters have not been described very well in the prologue. The best description you gave was for the hostage in the backseat. Right in the beginning of any good story, one has to bring some of the physical traits and/or character traits into the spotlight. The reader needs to know straight away, "aaah yes, these guys are goons", or, "these are highly professional assassins", etc. I don't know anything about these people except that they come across as rather low class due to...

The character conversations are slightly vile. Are these lowlife criminals? Of course the story hasn't been fleshed out yet, but these people don't come across as sophisticated and cultured. In sci fi, you absolutely need high-class or highly qualified characters in the fray. Why? Because the average sci fi enthusiast has way more between his ears than the average guy on the street. They do - it's a fact. So who is the reader going to identify with? Sophisticated speech is the hallmark of a developed mind.

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I don't want the characters to be obviously stereotypical. they're not goons for the sake of it. they're doing it because they have to.

Yes they're vile. lowlifes, or rather your ordinary jobless folk who are forced to join a gang of smugglers to make ends meet.

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Story Development

You spend much time on dialogue that has nothing to do with the main event taking place. In short, two guys (was it two? Somehow I'm not even clear about these things after reading all of that, and I do remember most of what I read) ride in a space ship (was it a space ship? Not sure where they are either) with a hostage and some illegal valuables through a checkpoint... They end up in a warehouse and then almost everyone dies.

That's all that really happened, yet it is interspersed with a lot of unnecessary dialogue. And the dialogue isn't very fun to read, because it's not really saying anything important (I stand to be corrected...?).

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Ah yes. I was afraid this is what would happen. you see, I am aiming to make the place itself a character. they talk about pointless things to give the reader a backstory on how the world is. as a prologue it sounds very pointless and slow right? I guess its true, but If i go skip all that the chapters afterwards would make less sense. all the things they talk about are important maybe not for them, but for the setting.

True, even if the universe is detailed as long as the dialogue isn't very fun it doesn't matter. 

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Descriptive Style

Without a doubt the strong point of your work. You do describe the inanimate things very nicely. Perhaps it is done in a way which could be deemed unnecessary, but it does tell me that you could write something good if you applied this talent to (specifically) the characterisation. And I don't just mean how the characters look, but also their voice tones and the mental motivation behind their speech and actions.

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I'll try.  =]

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Grammar and Language

It's been mentioned, but you jump between past and present tense. Keep it in past tense all the way.

Your punctuation is very bad! Commas, colons, semi-colons, and hyphens are the linguist's equivalent of mathematical symbols. When used expertly, they change the text from dead words on paper to a self-revealing entity. Your book - your creation - must become alive for the reader.

Vocabulary. There are not enough "difficult" words in your work. That my sound vain, but the real power of the English language is the tremendous amount of words that it encompasses. The right word, and screw the audience if they don't know it - seriously, can tell you more than a whole sentance. It is very important to not be too verbose - and a large vocabulary prevents just that. Moreover, it is essential that the reader not find the same words in every other sentance - it breaks the immersion. I think a schoolboy could read and understand all that quite easily, but give him a sci fi masterpiece and he'll be out of his depth.

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I fixed this. the reason why it was so messy its I hastly rewritten it (yeah I know, very bad) so the past and present tenses are fixed now

I fixed this as well. I never knew how bad it is until mentioned. and for the longest time, I developed a habit of using false punctuation. I'd say that its very much fixed right now

I fixed this partially as well too.

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Closing Comments

I hope you read all of that, because I read everything you wrote. I also hope I didn't upset you (too much!). Critical feedback is very difficult to deal with for a writer, but, as I mentioned, most writers would be utterly useless without it.

The piece as it stands is, in my opinion, worth reworking entirely or even scrapping. If you don't want to do that - which would be understandable - then it needs to be proofread and corrected asap. Proofreaders are very, very expensive. With that in mind, it is important to fine tune one's writing skills in order to avoid the need for those as much as possible

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I did read all of it. Not at all, in fact I would like people to very critical so that i would better my language. yeah baby steps, but I want to keep writing. 

I did rework on it. =]

Thank you a lot of this reply, It means a lot.

Welcome :)

Maybe this shouldn't be the prologue? Just a suggestion. I still REALLY want to know where in the Universe this is happening (date and place).

I think you never guessed what mine is about (because the prologue didn't show them) but half of it is about a couple -man and a woman- who work in a company, and then they use this company's assets to fullfill their own greedy desire to monopolize their industry. they're not exactly good people. but they're not really evil either. they're just rich. and thats where the other half comes in, not exactly rich. but not exactly good people either. they're smuggles. mercenaries and outlaws.

Things then happen to them. and their paths meet and their lives change, I want to convey that life in a story. its not an epic story with wars, while I do want to write about battle ships and what not. I want it to be more about human and their relationships with each other, be it bad or good.

I would to. If I was good at something. :P