Ok finished it!

Tell me Pallus, you want to know what I think? I'm quite the critic (at times) you know! Going to wait for your response before typing out...

EDIT: Wow, it took me ~20mins to read that (there was an interuption). I read fast by anyone's standards - I doubt many people will have the patience to spend >30mins reading someone's stuff!

My problem is that you challenge me to read one of my favourite genres in a non-native language...but I'll see what I can do and give my feedback.

I fixed the grammar mistakes, sorry about that.

fixed it =]

I know, but its worth a try.

I bought the books, I'll find a time to read them.

You didn't answer my question...? In any case, I'll tell you what I think (in a following post).

Yes. I would like to know what you think =]

Here are my comments. I remember the first time someone critiqued my writing; I was devestated. Nevertheless, it is a crucial part of writing - those horrible growing pains. So I hereby attempt to give you a fair and just assessment to the best of my abilities (well, I didn't spend hours writing this).

Here we go (brace yourself):

Thematics

You are writing a science fiction story. The problem with what I read was that there really is almost nothing about your story (so far) that validates a sci fi setting. What I mean is; You could have replaced the vehicle the characters are flying in for a normal 1990s motorcar and then it would've come across as, perhaps, a Mafia story. 

You didn't set the scene at all. Where are we? What is the situation? There isn't really anything interesting about the world you are creating yet - and for a prologue in a sci fi story this is absolutely crucial. 

Characterisation

The characters have not been described very well in the prologue. The best description you gave was for the hostage in the backseat. Right in the beginning of any good story, one has to bring some of the physical traits and/or character traits into the spotlight. The reader needs to know straight away, "aaah yes, these guys are goons", or, "these are highly professional assassins", etc. I don't know anything about these people except that they come across as rather low class due to...

The character conversations are slightly vile. Are these lowlife criminals? Of course the story hasn't been fleshed out yet, but these people don't come across as sophisticated and cultured. In sci fi, you absolutely need high-class or highly qualified characters in the fray. Why? Because the average sci fi enthusiast has way more between his ears than the average guy on the street. They do - it's a fact. So who is the reader going to identify with? Sophisticated speech is the hallmark of a developed mind.

Story Development

You spend much time on dialogue that has nothing to do with the main event taking place. In short, two guys (was it two? Somehow I'm not even clear about these things after reading all of that, and I do remember most of what I read) ride in a space ship (was it a space ship? Not sure where they are either) with a hostage and some illegal valuables through a checkpoint... They end up in a warehouse and then almost everyone dies.

That's all that really happened, yet it is interspersed with a lot of unnecessary dialogue. And the dialogue isn't very fun to read, because it's not really saying anything important (I stand to be corrected...?).

Descriptive Style

Without a doubt the strong point of your work. You do describe the inanimate things very nicely. Perhaps it is done in a way which could be deemed unnecessary, but it does tell me that you could write something good if you applied this talent to (specifically) the characterisation. And I don't just mean how the characters look, but also their voice tones and the mental motivation behind their speech and actions.

Grammar and Language

It's been mentioned, but you jump between past and present tense. Keep it in past tense all the way.

Your punctuation is very bad! Commas, colons, semi-colons, and hyphens are the linguist's equivalent of mathematical symbols. When used expertly, they change the text from dead words on paper to a self-revealing entity. Your book - your creation - must become alive for the reader.

Vocabulary. There are not enough "difficult" words in your work. That my sound vain, but the real power of the English language is the tremendous amount of words that it encompasses. The right word, and screw the audience if they don't know it - seriously, can tell you more than a whole sentance. It is very important to not be too verbose - and a large vocabulary prevents just that. Moreover, it is essential that the reader not find the same words in every other sentance - it breaks the immersion. I think a schoolboy could read and understand all that quite easily, but give him a sci fi masterpiece and he'll be out of his depth.

Closing Comments

I hope you read all of that, because I read everything you wrote. I also hope I didn't upset you (too much!). Critical feedback is very difficult to deal with for a writer, but, as I mentioned, most writers would be utterly useless without it.

The piece as it stands is, in my opinion, worth reworking entirely or even scrapping. If you don't want to do that - which would be understandable - then it needs to be proofread and corrected asap. Proofreaders are very, very expensive. With that in mind, it is important to fine tune one's writing skills in order to avoid the need for those as much as possible.

How are you finding it? Which part are you at now? It really is superb stuff.

What's your native tongue?