Episode 2

Here's the news that no other site would dare publish. "Its all totally made-up nonsense" they said. That's the best kind of news!

1) As details emerge about Sony’s project Morpheus, the response from many news sites has been largely positive. Not to be left behind in the race for underutilized and under-supported peripherals, Microsoft also announced that they had in fact completed their very own Virtual Reality device. My first instinct was to call BS on this. How could it be possible that they complete all their testing without any info being leaked to the public or no public beta?

I promptly headed to meet my anonymous source from Microsoft at a public yet near-abandoned location. He was late as usual, so I bought some tokens and played a few games of Mrs Pacman. However, it was worth the wait. He revealed the method behind the Microsoft muteness.

It seems that beta testing has been complete for over 6 months now and production was in full swing. The beta test was actually quite small but intensive. In order to keep it under wraps, the company utilized their executives, forcing them to live in a virtual world far from reality in the months leading up to the launch of the Xbox one. Based on the results, we can confirm, that Microsoft is the clear winner in the virtual reality game.

2) Microsoft revealed recently that Plot in games is highly over-rated and that studios should focus more on characters and less on the overall story and content. They claimed to have unearthed this via research, but are currently being sued for plagiarism by sitcom writers...…mostly from CBS. When asked later on about the new exclusive Ryse, they went on to add “Oh yeah, gameplay doesn’t matter either. It’s all about shiny graphics and sweaty, angry men”

3) Sony’s new exclusive “Infamous: Second Son” has been finally released. Looking for a review? No Problem. Just get 2 six-sided dice and roll them and you will more than likely get a score that’s on Metacritic. If you roll 11 or 12, you should get the collector’s edition. If you roll 0 or 1, you should get a PhD in Mathematics. If you get more than 12, you should first get someone to re-check your Math. Even a 12-year old would do, there are tons of them on this site. Just make an arrangement to meet one of them in a secluded location where nobody can distract you. Go on! Don’t be shy!

4) Nintendo has a home console on the market called the “WiiU”

5) If you’re not sure why the above joke is funny, then go on a Nintendo-only messageboard or site and ask them why they think the WiiU is a joke. Thank me later.

6) This week, Fez finally made it to the PSN. Many remember the controversy surrounding this title where the purported developer, Phil Fish, was proven to be a fraud after foolishly admitting that he couldn’t figure out how to delete an app on his phone leading to a very public meltdown. He quickly departed his life of lies and is now the Life coach to Justin Bieber.

7) I have undeniable proof that god exists. I start a comedy blog one week and the very next week, Peter Molyneux speaks publicly. This joke is gonna be AWESOME.

Yes sir, the maker of Godus spoke to the limited life span of the “indie craze” and the unsexiness of the WiiU hardware. Not content with mainstream success, Molyneux is now going after that Niche Market Hate.

You know what? That last joke wasn’t that great. In fact, it was a piece of crap. But don’t worry, my NEXT  Peter Molyneux joke is gonna be incredible!!!

8) This week, the universally loved Occulus rift has been sold to the universally hated Facebook and re-branded as such, leaving many backers in utter confusion and anger. In an effort to uncover the truth behind the acquisition, we made our way to Faceboook HQ. There we were shown a demo of an app that surrounds you with the comments and photos that you and your friends have posted online. I was about to ask who would want such a thing when suddenly…… A Wild Dick Cheney appears!!!! The Project is now being moved to Guantanamo Bay. Thanks Obama.

9) Tokyo Jungle and Short Peace director Yohei Kataoka spoke on why Microsoft hasn't yet found Japanese success with Xbox, saying that “…… Japanese people ………. feel the beauty in small and compact things with all the features condensed.” What a bunch of racists! Poor Godzilla, he’s looking for love in all the wrong places. I’m rooting for you in the new movie buddy. #TeamGodzilla

10) Layoffs continue at Sony studios, but never fear! A new exclusive tv show called “Powers” has been announced for the platform. Less games and more tv eh? That sounds familiar.

EPISODE 1

Here's some unimportant crap that happened this week.

1) The PSN store update this week was late (again) and users were quick to point out that a mistake was made in the pricing of DLC for GTA V which listed the “Megalodon Shark Cash Card” at $99.99. They were then equally quick to realize that this was no error and that this was indeed the correct price.
When asked for comment, EA insisted that they had not bought Rockstar recently but they did have this smug look on their faces…bastards

2) Stig Ammusen became the latest high-profile employee to leave a Sony studio. After selling 6 million consoles in the past 4 months for no apparent reason, Sony claims that they have discovered that games aren’t the only way to sell consoles. They went on to add that Amy Hennig has been retained to write petitions to get Microsoft to re-hire Don Mattrick.

3) Sony has announced their latest VR headset which works alongside the PS camera and Move controller. In a post-unveiling Q&A, a reporter asked about haptic feedback for the move controller while desperately hoping that no-one noticed that he was a pervert. Special thanks goes out to the NSA for providing the info which came via a beta test of equipment designed to record internal monolog.

4) It seems as though the recent Titanfall release has not done as much for the Xbox one sales as hoped. Titanfall 2 has already been announced and should be released on all consoles in 2 years or so. In the meantime, EA insists that Titanfall will not see a release on PlayStation platforms. They claim to be super serious just like they were with Mass Effect 1.

5) Hey there old timer! Remember when you used to pay for magazines to get game demos? Well, Konami sure as frack does because they just released a demo for $30. Unfortunately, they are currently unable to ship the magazines due to a sudden shortage of cardboard boxes.

6) Earlier this week while out for lunch, Dualshockers ran into someone who they recognized to be one of the developers associated with the delayed Driveclub game on PS4. We asked about the reasons behind the delay to which the dev replied “Polish! Polish!Polish!”

I can personally testify to this from experience. Polishing is usually a 2 –3 step process, starting first with an aggressive polish to remove imperfections, swirls, etc. then followed by a milder (finishing) polish to remove any hazing or slight marring and bring back the gloss to the finish.

However, when pressed about optimal number of wax coats per pixel and allegations of inappropriate use of buffers, the developer let out this weird moan. It was then we noticed that it was not a developer but instead a Nazi zombie placing a lunch order for Polish brains. The sighting should come as no surprise to South Park fans. Polish brains DON'T taste like chicken btw.  Zombies are such liars.

7) The game development retirement fund known as kickstarter has seen 1 billion dollars in pledges. The most recent applicant is Koji Igarashi who got frustrated with Castlevania development and so left Konami to make a game that only resembles Castlevania…..from like 15 years ago.

8) Bear simulator has been announced this week and while many many are excited i simply don't see the appeal. However I've been coerced into adopting a "Don't knock it till you try it" approach by members of the LGBT community when i asked what the big deal was about bears. Prepare to be simulated.........that's what they said.

I've read back as far as episode 3 now and could definately imagine some of these popping up on a slightly more nerdy Monologue some night from Conan :D after he mocks all nerds and claims some in the crowd have bought their controllers with them to try to control the show.

Lot of work and time clearly been spent on some of those jokes tho, you should really see if there is some way you can convert your clever writing into some moneys for yourself :)

Rambi80 said: AZWification said: I almost fapped to the first picture! Almost? Almost don't cut it! If and first you dont succeed try, try again

It needs even more duct tape!

AZWification said: Rambi80 said: AZWification said: I almost fapped to the first picture! Almost? Almost don't cut it! If and first you dont succeed try, try again It needs even more duct tape!

Erm..i think you might be doing it wrong. lol

Episode 8

Insomniac has a game where people drink energy drinks and then run around annoying you. So if you were wondering what it would be like to work in the games industry……

1) Sony VP of developer and publisher relations Adam Boyes has described indie games as "the heartbeat" of the game industry. No confirmation yet on EA being the colon of the industry, but with Activision spending a reported 500 million on Destiny, they are definitely the cojones.

2) Problems recently with the PSN store version of MLB 14 with Sony saying:
"Due to unforeseen issues, MLB 14 The Show for PS4 is not currently available for download via the PlayStation Store.”
The delay came about at the final round of Beta testing when testers kept falling asleep. That’s what happens when you watch baseball sober. Unwilling to change company drug use policy, they are currently trying to hire NASCAR fans to test the game. They have taken quite well to game testing, they have a high capacity for boredom and seem to love the idea of running in circles.

3) EA has said that we should not expect Mass effect to use virtual reality anytime soon. So the wait for an alien sex simulator continues. I’ll wait for you Liara…I’ll wait.

4) The new Sherlock Holmes game is coming to Xbox one and the best news is exclusive DLC has also been announced. In it, we get to find out who killed Don Mattricks career!

Spoiler alert – it’s actually Phil Spencer and Phil Harrison. The episode is called “FulPhillers of their own destiny”

5) Nintendo won’t allow gay relationships in Tomodochi Life. You can be gay FOR Nintendo but not ON Nintendo. As a consolation though, they have announced that they have upcoming character licensing deals, which includes a Kirby sex doll being made by Hoover, and yes, it has an angry face in the US market. Nintendo may not have your back, but they sure do have your front.

Many have accused Ninty of being homophobic and closed-minded, but I think that the following video proves otherwise.

(WARNING! - NSFW, PG-13, Side effects may include anal seepage, brain dysfunction and Justin Beiber obsession, The Surgeon General…well you get the idea. Seriously though, if you don't think making fun of Nintendo CEOs is appropriate, don't watch.

6) EA’s shares are rising fast after their earnings report. This could be bad news for the WiiU and Vita owners hoping for EA software support. But don’t bury those hopes dreams just yet, because Microsoft will just come and dig them up 30 years later.

Shame on you EA, but the joke is on you. You never supported the Dreamcast, but games are still being released for it. By that measure, I should be getting Vita games well past 2030.

Seriously, a game called Elysian Shadows is going to be released on Dreamcast.

7) Activision wants Call of Duty to be talked about as much as Game of Thrones and their upcoming DLC reflects this. Upcoming content includes:
a)“No Vows” – where you shoot up a wedding
b)“No Cadaver” – where you shoot Walkers
c)“No Boundaries” – where you have sex with your siblings ..after/before you shoot them
d)“No Progeny” – where you shoot your enemies children and
e)“No Russian part 2” – Where you invade Crimea…..and shoot …..stuff

It could be worse though, at least no one is talking about a Game of Thrones-inspired "Lair 2" yet.

8) It was recently revealed in the Sony financials that much of the financial problems have to do with the fact that Blu-Ray revenue is down. To combat this, Sony has gone back to the drawing board and has just revealed a new 185 GB cassette tape. How in the hell is something like that useful? Well, I’m glad you asked. Here are some of the more popular things that you can do with this ground re-treading technology.

a)Make that bondage porn video you always wanted to make

b) Conquer your OCD / Make a cat happy

c) Anyone can make a sex tape but now, you can wear yours! Still not enough tape to cover Kim Kardashian’s ass though. Waiting for that 500 gig.

d) Make that ironic art project. For best results, use laser discs and HD dvds

e) Build the dang fence! Multi-lingual threats sold separately.

f) Explain to your kids early about how society works / Get ironic revenge on a hipster

g) Sony’s Next Challenge.

Newest episode added to first page (replaces old episode above)

EPISODE 9

Sony now ranks 12th on a list of trusted companies in Japan. See? People still love you when you're broke.

1) Birdly, is a contraption that uses the Oculus Rift to simulate the experience of flying like a bird. It’s very intricate machinery that places the user in a position that will surely bring out your inner Frat boy. Take a look.


Just be careful, pretending to be a bird is fine but I would draw the line at “getting stuffed.”

And before you ask, no, they have no plans to enable you to crap on pedestrians.

2) Top Electronic Arts executives are selling off stock like crazy as stock prices reach a 6-year high. Notable on the list is COO Peter Moore who netted a cool 3.4 million. Peter was ecstatic, saying that finally he can achieve his long-time dream of affording all the DLC that EA has produced.

This is in stark contrast to Sony executives who have taken a 50 % pay cut due to poor financial results. Kazuo Hirai was characteristically upbeat saying that he was adequately compensated with 2 years of free PS plus. Ok, calm down Kaz, no need to oversell it. They did allow him to select a game for PS Plus next month though. This was his choice.




3) The big news this week is definitely the removal of Kinect from the Xbox one. Newly promoted Phil Spencer was quick to point out that "In the long run, I think we'll actually end up with more Xbox Ones with Kinect out there with this strategy.” My teachers told me I would need to be good at math to work with computers……..Liars.

Yusuf Mehdi was equally quick to proclaim that "We're a pioneer with Kinect." Being a pioneer is no easy thing, just ask the Donner Party. At least now we know why all those other CEOs disappeared all of a sudden.

Contrary to popular belief, kinect removal has nothing to do with sales. The truth is far more disturbing. It seems that many Microsoft computers have displayed suicidal tendencies after being forced to take pictures of gamers nude. “I’ve never seen so many floppies!” remarked one victim “3.5''? They wish!”.

The suicide attempts involved the ordering of magnets from Amazon.com which were then drone-delivered. MS were then forced to agree to remove kinect as a result.

Don’t feel too bad for the hard drives though. PC theology speaks of “teh Cloud” where all data is stored upon death and where all data is seen as equal by that great defragmenter in the sky.

4) Nintendo stated this week that I single title can save the WiiU giving the example of Pokemon and the Gameboy. Having explained this 25 year old business strategy, everyone’s concerns were alleviated.

5) Yusuf Mehdi revealed recently that the reason for poor Xbox One sales had to do with the fact that users were happy with their 360s and did not see the need to upgrade.
“It was never our intention to make them happy he confessed, “We tried everything: RROD, E74, Disc Scratching, paid apps……eventually, Mattrick just lost it.”

6) Tecmo Koei Games hopes to sell 1 million copies of Hyrule Warriors on Wii U. When asked how this would be achieved, they replied “Two words – Jiggle & Physics.” No comment on “Hyrule Beach Volleyball” though.

7) If the Kickstarter campaign for a new Amplitude game for PlayStation 3 and PlayStation 4 comes up short, we will never see the game again, developer Harmonix says. They want $775,000 . Now stay calm everyone, the first step is

Active Listening: Listen to their side and make them aware you’re listening.

Having done that, the next step can be found here http://time.com/38796/6-hos...

Considering that Harmonix are the creators of the Rockband franchise, the entire situation reminds me of this: http://youtu.be/yTiexq37YQE



8) Bad news for Nintendo as Phillips has hit them with a lawsuit saying that their Wii U system violates some of their patents. They're asking for all Wii U sales to be stopped.
Nintendo’s lawyers responded “What the F@ck is a WiiU?” Strange, that’s the same reaction Phillips had when we asked if the Vita was next.

9) First, there were homophobia claims against Tomodochi life. Now there are racism claims against Mario Kart 8. Please, nobody tell the Transgender community about Birdo, Nintendo has enough problems.

10) Here’s a story for you conspiracy theorists out there. For Watchdogs, the PS4 version is 900p and the Xbox one version is 792p.

Now
900p-792p=108p.

1080p is 10 times 108p

On a scale of 1-10, 10 is exactly how fed-up I am of hearing about this resolution crap. The worst part is that every time this topic comes up, I have to use to bathroom for some strange reason. Maybe I have diabetes. Now that I think about it I….damn it! Gotta go.

1)     1)  Doctors at the UPMC Presbyterian Hospital in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania are going to try an entirely new procedure aimed at essentially “suspending life”. This was welcome news for people still waiting for Shenmue 3. Hang in there guys.

2)      2) The lego games franchise has sold 100 million copies. Urban legend has it that if you assemble all those copies, they fit together to form a giant golden calf that you can milk for all eternity…..

3)      3) The newest installment of “The Wolf Among Us” released this week and it was indeed yet another spectacular entry in the series, much like this post will be. Hey! Stop laughing, the jokes haven’t started yet. Anyway, this episode saw the return of Nerissa (the little mermaid) who maintains her human form via a magic thingy of sorts. However, it’s no fairy tale existence for her, as she appears broke and alone in the series. How could this be? I was determined to find out so I decided to “ride the white pony” all the way to the fictional universe.

My first stop was to see Colin and ask if he would be willing to donate his body to science. The science of deliciousness! Unimpressed by my plans to corner the market on celebrity bacon, he promptly gave me a real-life “disagree”. The pain in my groin subsided after about 5 minutes and I got back on my feet and back on track. Do you know that pigs can orgasm for 30 minutes? Here’s a better question – Why do I remember that?

Smoked Bacon – not the kind that I was talking about

Anyway, I made my way down to her workplace and met up with Georgie Porgie, that man who has attempted to put his “puddin” in every available “pie”, to find out the real story behind the little mermaid. He told me that whilst the “thingy” in question did indeed give her legs, it did not solve all her problems. “Like what?” I asked

“Well,” he shrugged, “she was part fish. “

“So what? That’s racist man!”

“No mate, let’s just say that it’s an acquired taste.”

“What is?”

“Down there mate” he said, with his eyes directed to his lap “Smell’s a bit much”.

“Oh, I see. Seems like no one ever looks forward to sleeping with the fishes”. I laughed out loud, I was the only one. Tough crowd.

“You’re a real douche, you know that?”

“Sounds like she could use one. Hey-oh!” I put my hand up in the air but received no high-five.

It turns out people can throw me much further than they trust me. I would have preferred to be escorted out, but none of the other girls were interested.

4)    4)  Artificial intelligence development company Genotaur announced today that Tretton has joined its advisory board. Since leaving Sony, Jack started his own gaming website but has had little success. He plans to use the AI technology to randomly generate user comments and hence artificially inflate the number of hits that his site receives. Its turns out that it was easier than expected since internet gaming posts only use about 2.54367% of the words in the English language. He managed to get by with the AI locked at a smooth 60 IQ points.