(EPISODE 6 CONTINUED)

David – Michelangelo – Not enough sausage – 5/10

The last Supper – Leonardo da Vinci - Too much sausage ; AI was horrible– 5/10

(EPISODE 6 CONTINUED) LAST ONE

Water Lilies - Claude Monet – Not enough enemies; feels empty – 7/10

No problem. I dont like sending messages to people i barely know but your first comment was pretty positive so i took a chance on annoying you.

Thanks for leaving a comment as well. Appreciate that

ep 6 part 10 made me laugh out loud and have someone else ask what I was reading so.... yeah you have some pretty good writing ability there, could almost wrap those up and submit um to someplace like Conan's site see if they're hiring interns, he has some nerdy writing staff.

I almost fapped to the first picture!

I love Conan, so that comment alone made the last 2 months of work worthwhile. thanks man.

AZWification said: I almost fapped to the first picture!

Almost? Almost don't cut it! If and first you dont succeed try, try again

Not Necessarily Necessary News Nor Necessarily Newsworthy 

EPISODE 5

Shenmue 3 is close to being announced, in some dimension, but definitely not in this one.

2) Infamous Second Son continues to do well on the charts which should come as no surprise. The game gives you powers that include smoke, neon concrete and video. I mean who amongst us has never wanted to build and operate our own strip club?

3) In news that seemingly came out of left field, European footballer Andrea Pirlo recently stated that "After the wheel, the PlayStation is the best invention of all time.” I guess the NFL is wrong, concussions really are serious business. Concerned about job security, Mr. Andrew House (CEO) responded with impressive brand loyalty. He has officially changed his first name to Playstation! When asked for comment, Yoshida dimmed the lights and in a velvety baritone revealed that “A House is not a Home!” Look out for further updates as to whether or not Mr. Playstation House (CEO) will find a home on the PS4.

4) A few weeks ago, an article surfaced about Facebook being interested in bringing porn to the Occulus Rift. Ridiculous, I though, they would never allow that. But apparently, I was wrong. Those clever guys are actually doing it but in a manner that even the richest imagination could not anticipate and have instead gone after the niche markets.

The proof lies in the fact that Sir David Attenborough is set to make a nature documentary that should come as welcome news to all you furry fans out there as well as Peter, who no longer needs “The Wolf Among Us” for “relief”. Now that’s all well and good for Furry and Bestiality fans, but what about the rest of us? Two lions humping? Few want to see that, so it’s educational and free. Two humans humping? Well everyone wants to see that so we must riddle that with shame otherwise we can’t monetize it and use it to control people. I have half a mind to kidnap a priest and jerk off in his face. Whoa! Now hold on, you might think that last comment was inappropriate. Don’t worry, I’m not 12, he won’t enjoy it.

5) Sony’s Shuhei Yoshida has revealed that he was banned from Miiverse a couple of times. Yes, a middle aged man from a very conservative culture is apparently too risqué for Nintendo, which means that without even owning one, I should probably get banned by the end of this sentence.

6) The Mass Effect Series is a Sci-fi, space-themed fictional series made by Bioware. They are teasing that prequels are now being considered for the project because EA is the death star for creativity. Personally, I’m looking forward to the “Martian Seduction” ride that should be at Disneyland in a few years when it gets the Star Wars treatment. Think it was hard to explain those two men kissing to your kids? Well better haul arse to an anatomy class cause shite is about to get real.

I’m just glad the Elcor were never a choice for romance. Could you imagine?

Elcor: Climactic excitement, Oh god, oh god yes. Reminds me of a hipster prostitute I knew. Speaking of prostitutes…..

Nothing pisses me off more than when a hooker appears to enjoy sex. On one hand I feel like I’m being trolled because that dock can hold 3 Normandys easy, so no way I’m making her see stars. On the other hand, if she actually is enjoying it, then I feel like I’m entitled to a partial refund.

7)First there was Goat Simulator, then Bear simulator and now, we have Cat simulator. Just get  Sony to make a Tokyo Jungle MMO already.

8) Sucker Punch revealed that Infamous Second Son characters have been noted to have up to 120,000 polygons. Contrast that with Microsoft which owns a single Polygon populated by a few infamous characters (pronounced jur-na-listes) that people want to sucker punch where the sun don’t shine at least 120,000 times.

9) John Rosemond, prominent author, recently compared videogames to slavery and meth addiction, leading to understandable outrage in the media this week. I also must share this sentiment. Is this man really comparing the new Need for Speed movie to 12 Years a Slave and Breaking Bad? No sir, videogames are in no way as valuable to society as meth and slavery and you are the worst kind of fanboy, the type that people take seriously.

10) After less than ideal NPD numbers, Major Nelson was quoted as saying "...this is a marathon not a sprint." Actually, its more like an obstacle course made of RROD consoles. Not familiar with sports terminology? Well, let me translate that for you. Major Nelson - "This a Final Fantasy, Not a Ground Zeroes."

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SPOILERS!! IF YOU ARE NOT CURRENT WITH THE GAME OF THRONES TV SERIES THEN SKIP THE NEXT JOKE

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11) Now that the TV series is back, many Game of Thrones fans may be contemplating a trip to Westeros. Before you do so, here is a travel advisory that you should read from Daenerys Airlines:

a) No internet, but the ravens still work. You are allowed 140 characters but most of them will die.

b) If unfamiliar with a local dialect, just say "Hodor" a lot and things will sort themselves out.

c) Wolves are people too….literally

d) When one sees a lion, one must get into the car (rule 45 is universal)

e) Bitches be crazy (also universal)

f) Do not attend Weddings - Unlike the rest of the world, its not a slow death. open in browser PRO version Are you a developer?

g) If someone mentions “The Wall” that aint no Pink Floyd concert.

h) No sibling rivalry but lots of sibling revelry. Feel free to walk up to a family member, slap them on the ass and say “When in Westeros!” while raising your eyebrows twice.

i)The “Ken Doll” look is apparently all the rage, so Roshambo is not always an adequate defense strategy. 

j)Don’t trust redheads

Not Necessarily Necessary News Nor Necessarily Newsworthy

EPISODE 4

In Mario Kart 8, no one can hear you scream, well not online anyway.

1) Ubisoft has confirmed that the definitive version of their upcoming Watchdogs game will be on the Xbox One. They elaborated that these players will have a more immersive experience, considering that the game’s  theme centers on paranoia about being monitored

2) As covered in the intro, there is no online chat in Mario Kart 8. But why? We at Necessary News are singularly focused on bringing the truth to you. You should know this by now. So, in pursuit of the truth, we go where every good reporter goes to unearth the mysteries of life. Unfortunately, we had to wait for an hour because apparently, bars don’t open till 11am here.

Anyway, after hours of undercover work (yes those urine stains are intentional and you can’t prove otherwise), we were left with some theories. The first theory was that Nintendo’s online network is just too archaic. How archaic you ask? Well to demonstrate the online network, they recently used Mario vs Donkey Kong, a game from 2004. So they’re basically at the back of the pack with no blue spiny shell.

Another theory was put forth is that Nintendo is following their time-tested philosophy of “Will someone please think of the children!” They don’t want angry 35 year olds swearing at your 5 year old, which currently, are the two major audiences for Nintendo games.

Now that’s all well and good, but let me counter with my own philosophy. “If a noob gets pwned and nobody mocks him, has he really been emasculated?” Can you answer me that Nintendo! Well? “Will somebody please think of the Noobs?!!!”

3) Two parties are fighting over the Duke Nukem franchise. No really, that’s the truth. Google it. What can I say? Sometimes these jokes just write themselves.

4) Microsoft has announced that Kinect is coming to cell phones, but already there are problems. It seems that one person dropped out of the Beta test after getting spammed with laxative ads after trying to make a sex tape.

5) Ubisoft has been getting a lot of grief from gamers over Watchdogs because graphics matter in games. The WiiU is indeed a current gen console, say fans, because graphics don’t matter. Many in the Xbox community claim that Titanfall on the Xbox 360 in not “basically the same thing” as the Xbox One version because graphics matter. The Xbox one is not inferior to the PS4 because graphics don’t matter. Videogame fanboys - causing whiplash since 1985

6) In a classic case of sour grapes, Peter Molyneux recently called Kinect a joke. We all remember his shocking attempt to bring a religious experience to market in the form of “Milo” which he debuted at the launch of the original Kinect. The project ground to a halt when Microsoft, notorious for not allowing third party peripherals, refused to support his fleshlight. They tried to develop their own prototype but those darned micro transactions just kept kicking in at the worst possible time. He was then introduced to Chatroulette and that was the end of that.

7) Palmer Luckey, Occulus Rift founder and “man named after a masturbation joke”, recently said something or the other. Who cares really? I just wanted to make that masturbation joke.

8) Far sight studios were recently critical of the WiiU stating that it was more like Wii 1.5. For those following the Chris Hecker metric system, that would be 3 Gamecubes duct taped together. Can’t we all just agree upon one universal system to mock Nintendo consoles? 

9) The latest episode in the Telltale series “Fable” released recently to rave reviews. However, for one man, the series represents ineffable torture. Peter claims that the game had caused him both mental and physical suffering. “I thought for sure that this episode would be the one” he whispered in disbelief “Why are Snow White and Beauty so frigid?”

A bit confused, I asked Peter how the game could possibly cause physical suffering. He showed me and tears flowed from my eyes. So just know that as you enjoy your new episode that one man waits patiently with the worst case of blue balls you ever saw and a bestiality fetish that remains unsatisfied

10) According to producer Sang Youn Lee, Kingdom Under Fire 2 will have better graphics on the PS4 as compared to the PC. This shocked everyone. He went on to talk about an Xbox One version without saying anything about graphics. This shocked no one.

11) In a startling bit of news, it seems that Best Buy this week had used copies of Driveclub even though the title is yet to be released. How could this be? Well, the obvious explanation is that the game will be a complete and utter failure. Sony, not content to simply copy the competition, has chosen to dump their failed game in the past and not in some crummy landfill in New Mexico. Take that Atari.

But wait, if they dump it in the past, wouldn’t it just show up in the future anyway? Here’s the secret to time travel. The less you think about it, the better it works. And Sony mastered that art last gen.

12) From the time I bought my first console, an Atari 2600, I was taught 2 things. The first was that whoever designed that controller was a pervert. The second was that moisture was bad for game consoles. Well ladies and gentlemen; it appears that the latter was a lie. Microsoft spread these lies to distract us from its research into creating sentient clouds that can magically make games better.

The project however, was reluctantly abandoned recently, when it became apparent that the clouds were singularly obsessed with making an HD remake of FF 7. In its place, they now announce that Direct X 12 will double Xbox GPU speeds.

Whatevs, I was more interested in that remake. So I decided to reach out and make some friends on behalf of humanity. I approached one of these beings and let out a “Hey! How’s the weather up there?” However, they never responded and just floated away. What a bunch of jerks. I still can’t shake the feeling that they were trying to tell me something in their own way though.

Not Necessarily Necessary News Nor Necessarily Newsworthy

Episode 3
Every time you press the “pause” button, another Assassins Creed gets made.
1) In the latest game of musical chairs being played my Microsoft execs, Phil Spencer has emerged as the head of the Xbox division. Yes good old squinty eyes has gotten a promotion over Phil Harrison, who is apparently the Theon Greyjoy of the Xbox division. You should’ve stayed at Playstation Phil. So what does this mean for Spencer? Well, hopefully it means that he is no longer allowed to dress himself for E3.

2) Do you find yourself eating strange things? Things that are not food? Do you find yourself having the urge to climb rock surfaces? Then you, my friend, may be a goat trapped in a man’s body.

Now hold on! Before you rush out for that corrective inter-species surgery, you may want to give goat simulator a try. That’s simulator NOT stimulator. I know, and I share your disappointment.
The game involves a RTS-style battle for territory with sheep while constantly having to avoid the advances of many an amorous farmer.

Also, there is no need to get depressed. You are not alone in your life’s calling to turn the world into poop. A new
multiplayer node is set to be released and…..never mind. Goat ate the code.

3) Microsoft has announced plans to release their new console in China at an unbelievable $300. Already in production, we were the first news outlet to receive one of these bargain consoles. Our suspicion was that kinect had been cut from the console. However, as we opened the box, what we found were just some broken pieces of plastic. I couldn’t believe it! However, just as I was about to go postal on UPS for the damage done, I found this piece of paper with the words “Some Assembly Required” written on it. Anyone know a gay couple with a Chinese kid? Come on, you know you do!

4) In a daring attempt to regain their crown, EA this week decided to mock the new WiiU console and its technical limitations. That’s right Time-Warner, EA is gonna make a comeback. In response, Nintendo were gracious in accepting Peter Moore’s apology, saying that no harm was done. “It could have been worse” they said, “at least they didn’t try to fix our online servers.”

5) Dualshockers did a 1 hour interview with Michael Pachter where he outlined his daily struggles as a post-op transvestite. You don’t believe me? Then you’re going to have to listen to him speak for 1hr to prove me wrong. Heh heh, that’s what I thought.

6) Adam Sessler announced this week that he was now going to leave his video game personality behind. This came after 15 years of failed attempts to leave his actual personality behind. I for one will miss him and his comedic genius. I could never figure out how he named Fable 2 as “game of the year” whilst keeping a straight face.

7) This week, Sony decided to copy Nintendo by announcing a pet simulator for the vita. Microsoft tried to copy Sony strategy of “focusing on games” by laying off game developers and Nintendo is still trying to copy Microsoft in getting an online infrastructure that actually works. Yep, get ready for a generation full of innovation people!

8) 86% of people don’t mind ads in exchange for free games. None of them could be found on the internet.

9) Amy Hennig has now gone to EA to help with Star Wars. She replaces Game of Thrones author George R. R.Martin after the Luke and Leia stuff got wayyyyy out of hand. She took the time at the announcement to elaborate on the events leading up to her Naughty dog departure. Apparently, work on Uncharted 4 is 90% done, meaning that we should expect the first game-delay announcement in 2016. The controversy came about when she began work on The Last of Us 2, but tempers ran high when she spent 3 months on the project without growing any semblance of a beard.

10) Mario Kart 8 is coming up soon, so you know what that means……Yep, a whole mess of articles with bad
puns!
--Can Mario Kart drive the WiiU forward?
--Does the WiiU have any gas left?
--Nintendo hoping to get back on track with Mario Kart 8!
Remember when Journalism wasn’t populated with failed comedians?

11) Amazon is now including Metacritic scores for games on their site. Many users are angry that they have chosen to outsource senseless drivel but fear not! In an effort to put the “Meta” back in metacritic, users are now being encouraged to review these game reviews and have their reviews aggregated by a new site called Alphacritic which will be available exclusively to publishers to determine which sites get early access to games.
They claimed to have gotten the idea while watching “human centipede”.

12) Burial at sea is the final DLC for Bioshock Infinite from the now downsized Irrational Studios. The games are known to be written by Ken Levine whose theme centers around the fact that things go horribly wrong when one man has too much power. I guess life really does imitate art.

13) As the visual gap between PS4 and Xbox One continues to be an issue, Microsoft has once again reminded us of the power of the cloud. I get that clouds are powerful after watching the new Pokemon movie “Noah”, but this cloud stuff just feels like someone trying to blow smoke up my arse.

14) On “The Big Bang Theory” this week, Sheldon tries to pick between the Xbox one and PS4 but gets neither. What’s surprising is that this is pretty much the best decision you can make in a console first year. Who knew tv could actually teach you something useful.

15) Sony recently described their upcoming E3 presentation as a “tight fit” - that’s what he/she said. Ahh, gender equality, what a joke.