Wii U Don't Need No Stinking Rockstar

[F0X]

Wii U Don't Need No Stinking Rockstar
by Johnathan F. Oxford

Did you know that GTAV has probably sold over 20 million copies world wide so far? Great, but wouldn't 20.5 million be better? Numbers don't lie, right?

Well, I suppose they could be twisted, spun in a way the pleases one who might abuse facts. Thankfully, I'm not that sort of person. I'm no doom prophet, so I'm automatically more trustworthy and objective than the vast majority of video game journalists. Heck, even Ouya can make a turnaround with a price cut and a few major exclusives!

Anyway, back to GTA. I have a love/hate relationship with the series, so the option of choosing between three characters with different perspectives about their roles in the game is, well, brilliant. GTAV is a psychopath sim, abusive parent sim, and gangsta sim all in one, truly providing something for gamers of all walks of life.

But what about the children, guys? I don't want my hypothetical eight-year-old son learning words like "nigger" and thinking it's okay to call anyone that. He should be playing Halo 4 online- something a normal, well-rounded American child does.

Now, for even younger children, Nintendo has the 2DS (specifically designed for kids under the age of seven) releasing alongside a Pokemon game, which deals with the much lighter and approachable theme of animal cruelty. Animals aren't people, and Pokemon don't die, and Nintendo games never have potty mouths, therefore every good parent in the world should buy a 2DS and forget about those pig and fruit slaughter sims on mobile devices.

Still, that leaves the Wii U out in the cold in terms of marketshare, so what does it need to succeed? Apparently not Need for Speed. Or COD or Assassain's Creed or Monster Hunter, for that matter. Why would GTA be any different?  It's not like GTAV is bigger and better in any way, right?

So, in conclusion: Wii U don't need no stinking muder sims, Pokemon don't die, and stop calling your little sister a fag, Billy!

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