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This will be a long one.

 

I picked up on VHS:

The Tommyknockers ( stephen King)

A few episodes of the last Ghostbusters cartoon to be on VHS. The Real Ghostbusters I think it what it is.

Deathstalker: The Last Great Warrior. (The only known actor in this 80's fantasy movie is a Playboy Playmate from back then named Barbie Benton)

 

 

Brannigan

Starring John Wayne and Richard Attenborough.

 

It was a meh movie most of the way through. Wayne plays the same character that he always does, and still gets away with it mostly because he is a bad ass. Except he trades in the Cowboy hat for a Chicago cop suit ( Dirty Harry was taking away his business?). After beating on a few people he goes to England where he becomes partners with Mr. Attenborough, who is a Scotland Yard detective, as they try to find a kidnap victim.

I have finally discovered where the writers for Speed got the idea to cut a hole in the bottom of the garbage can so the bad guy could steal the money. Because it happens in this movie about 20 years prior. Other than a random funny bar fight scene I did not really enjoy this movie that much at all. Sorry John waynes ghost....

6/10....next Wayne movie for me will be The War Wagon, possibly tonight.

 

 

 

 

John Carter (of Mars)

Starring guy from Battleship and bad guy from original Sherlock Holmes

 

This movie did not give me the edge of my seat excitement that The Avengers and Battleship gave me this year, but I really enjoyed the story and the special effects worked for it. I do not know what I was expecting from the Trailers for this movie, but it was not what I watched.

John Carter is a old West cowboy/miner from Virginia ( running joke later on) who stumbles on a cave of gold. He also stumbles on a god like alien that he shoots and fatally injures with a gun shot. With in a minute he wakes up still in the desert, except this is a desert of Mars. After he learns to walk on Mars ( his bones are not as dense as the others there so he can almost fly) some green aliens take him in as a baby. He learns to talk via magic alien milk. Within five minutes of learning to talk he become the green aliens leader after destroying some Star Wars like ships. Five minutes after that he is on the run from the green martians because they want to kill him. Taggin along is a Princess of a Martian city named helium and his green alien mother...oh and a super fast slobbery dog. You can tell that this movie was based off an old book. City names and ideas in the movie are what hint at this being based off some old Sci fi story.

The Martian girl is the Princess of helium. She wants John to take his super jumping skills and help her win some war that is going on , that was started by the same god like aliens that sent him there. John just wants to find his way home so he can spend the gold he found in the Cave of Wonders. Eventually he stops being stubborn and goes into Helium to try and save the day after multiple pretty cool scenes. I will not say much more incase I persuade some of you to watch this movie.

The end and beginning has to do with the child star of the movie series Spy Kids trying to act. Luckily the director of this movie was not the same idiot who directed Mirror, Mirror. More on that dastardly horrendous movie later.

I will give this movie an 8/10. The Special Effects are nothing too great, but the story/adventure will easily get your through the movie. I like this actor who I do not care to look ups name. I could see him going far in the industry if he can stop making box office bombs.

 

 

 

Mirror, Mirror

 

Maybe it is because I have seen so many amazing movies this year, but this movie was absolute trash!

I will rate it right now so that you do not forget it. 2/10

That may seem harsh, and some may have enjoyed it. The elderly enjoyed it! There were three sitting next to me and they thought it was a riot. No one else clapped at the end other than them.

Snow white is the same Snow White that we met like 100 years ago in the Disney Classic Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Except this time the dwarves are theifs, two of them are from an American Television show called Pit Boss ( about little people who save pit bulls), and they are mostly horrible in this movie. I did however enjoy the littler person who stars on the show Seinfeld and in the movie Employee of the Month.

Snow white and the Seven moronic elves basically become inept Robin Hood types in this movie. Stealing from the Queen to feed the over taxed citizens of snoreville. Meanwhile, you have the Prince ( who is turned into a dog, that pulls off the best performance of the movie), two Queens played by Horse mouth...errr I mean Julie Roberts ( do we really need two Julia Roberts in one movie?), and the always annoying Nathan Lane trying to stop this band of rebels. Funny story, later on in the movie Lane is turned into ....sorry...lulz...:3....a cockroach, sadly his performance is likened more to a cock than a cock roach.

When these three idiots fail to murder Snow white, the Queen unleashes her secret weapon. Snow Whites father was turned into a beast before the movie started and is sent to kill the Princess, the dreadful Dwarves, and the turn-coat Dog Prince. The dragon beast also fails, and the princess sets her father free.

 

Now here is the Fraging shocker! Sean Bean is the king....

How horrible for such a great actors career to be tricked into this movie. They had to have filmed his scenes in the beginning, because he would have walked off the set if he had seen what was going to unfold on the set of this thing.

 

All in all it was uneventful, unoriginal, pile of dog meat.

 

2/10



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